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Recipe for Tea, As Written by a Person with a Delirious Fever

You’re fucking sick.

Don’t worry, little bruddy (brother + buddy), I’ve got your back.  Shauna Wooten recently gave me a recipe for she calls “Douchebag Tea.”  This is a variation on the recipe that I like to call “Stay of Execution” tea.

You will need:

  • Water
  • Coconut Water
  • Coconut Milk Powder
  • Sliced Ginger Root
  • Mint Tea Bags
  • Green Tea Bags
  • Lemon Juice
  • Cayenne Pepper
  • Chilli Powder

Method:

1. Put some water in a big pot. 

Bam!  You nailed it! Now pop that MFer on the stove and put it on HIGH or something like that.

2. Put all the stuff mentioned above in that pot.

I don’t have exact measurements for each thing.  Let’s be real: even if I did, you’d probably just put random amounts in anyway because measuring cups are for cowards/people who aren’t coughing a lung up.  Follow your heart!

3. Curse that one guy as you stir the pot.

You know that guy who made you sick?  Just mumble incoherent phrases about how much he sucks.  String together any swear words with random objects to create fun new nicknames for him. 

EXAMPLE: Douche-Truck, Fuck-Parade, Bitch-Ace of Base

4. Bring to a boil.

Then set the temperature to low.  Let simmer.  Chill out.  Put on a fifth sweater. Maybe address the fact that you’re seeing spots?  The options are limitless!

5. Jesus Take the Wheel!

Is this going to work?  Who knows?  While you let your tea simmer for an indiscernible amount of time maybe root through your spice cabinet and smell stuff.  Anything you can smell through you stuffed up nose, toss in the pot.  It’ll be fine?

6. Put whatever it ends up being in some kind of mug or mason jar with a sock on it.

Consider for fun adding some bourbon.  1-5 shots will suffice.  Like, put a shot in for how much talking to yourself you’re doing on a scale of 1 to 5. 

7. Drink and pass out.

Shotgun that tea and then just fall asleep anywhere; like you’re a cat or a drunk baby.

Feel better little bruddies!

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