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An imperfect life guide for women
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SICK SEX

You know those colds when your nose is totally clogged with snot and your head feels so full it might explode and you’re hacking up mucus every hour on the hour? Welcome to my week. Usually my boyfriend and I simply opt for abstinence during these sick stints but, once in a blue moon, we both get the urge to get it on, no matter how risky it might be.

So we both strip down and I start riding him cowgirl style.
“Lauren?” He asks me almost immediately, “Can we change positions? I can see all the snot in your nose from this angle.”
I gurgle an agreement and clumsily roll over so he’s on top, but he’s still looking at me rather curiously.
“What is it now?” I sigh.
“From this angle it looks like your nose is all shiny.”
“Oh, for God’s sakes, it’s just the Vaseline! Now let’s get down to business before my drowsy medication kicks in!”
“Right…” he says, trying to get himself back in the mood. Out of habit he leans down to give me a passionate kiss.
“NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!” I yell.
“WHAT?!?!?!” He yells back, startled.
“Not on the mouth! If you catch this from me I’ll catch it back from you, and on and on the merry-go-round of ickyness will go!”

We continue on like this for several minutes. With my clogged sinuses my moans and groans of ecstasy sound more like an old man trying to take a dump, but we’re making the best of it. That is until mid-thrust when I reach over and grab a tissue from the nightstand and empty my boogers into it. My boyfriend freezes.

“Holy shit,” he says dumbfounded, “that felt AMAZING. Can you blow your nose again?”
“Oh, honey I’m sorry, I don’t have any snot left. But why don’t I start saving some up, you know, for the finale?”

After a few more minutes we’re both ready to blow, and we do so simultaneously. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and I immediately leave the room to go spit up the mucus in my throat.

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