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The Bachelorette Canada Recap, Episode 5

This week saw Jasmine bring her veritable charcuterie plate of man meat to Quebec City. And wow, with helicopter rides, erotic massages, and failed kisses, this episode was the most intense yet!

This week’s one-on-one date went to Mike, winner of The First Impression Rose, Winnipegger, and all around adorable guy. While we are still cheering for Mikhel to win, it’s undeniable that Jasmine possessed a spark with Mike, who has an eight pack and an equally toned wit to match. For example, while Mike had never been on a helicopter ride before his date with Jasmine, he admitted, “I know I dress like I’ve been on a helicopter.” We love a self-aware suitor!

Mike and Jasmine’s date was heavy on the making out. There was a lot of tongue action. The one thing that seemed to mar their perfect chemistry, however, was the fact that he’s from Winnipeg, and she hates the cold. Can these two lovebirds overcome this climate-related obstacle? We hope so, but they wouldn’t be the first Canadian couple to break up over cold winters.

After her delightful dinner with Mike, Jasmine turned her attention to a lumbersexual-themed group date. On this date, the men wore matching red plaid shirts and competed to see who could chop wood and hammer nails the fastest. I swear to my editors I am not making this up. The W Network seems to be actively courting the lumbersexual gaze.

The winner of “The Lumbersexual Challenge” was Thomas, whom I have taken to calling IRL Zoolander, because he says things I previously thought only Derek Zoolander would say. Last night, Thomas treated us to this gem: “When people look at me, they seen an international model, but I’m more than that.” With lines like that, Thomas needs his own spinoff, stat!

After winning the challenge, Thomas received the prize of alone time with Jasmine, which did not disappoint. An aspiring singer, he used an empty wine bottle as a microphone to serenade his date, while sporting a man bun. It would seem Thomas is actively pursing a career as a meme.

Next came a spa-themed group date, where the men assembled gave a blindfolded Jasmine a series of highly erotic massages. It felt like a deleted scene from 50 Shades of Grey and reached Peak Awkwardness when Benoit got a bit over-zealous while buffing Jasmine’s nails. Sadly, Benoit’s aggressive behaviour continued throughout the night, as he insisted on kissing Jasmine whether or not she was into it. That part felt a bit too real for comfort.

The episode’s action reached its climax at the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Drama ensued when Chris became determined to have his first kiss with Jasmine. We all know Chris as the guy who used his alone time with our girl to trash Drew in last week’s episode; however, this week Chris doubled down on his uncomfortable behaviour. In the most cringe-worthy moment so far this season, he mistook Jasmine’s polite eye contact with him as an invitation to play tonsil hockey. Jasmine was not amused. She shut him down well before their lips touched, informing Chris she felt no desire to swap saliva with him.

Because he has the sort of pathologically healthy self-esteem only middle-class white men seem to have, Chris for some reason believed his thwarted kiss was a good sign. While it was obvious to everyone but him that he was the dude going home, the fact that he ultimately did not receive a rose came as a total surprise to Chris. I would kill for even a quarter of the blind self-esteem that man possesses!

As he exited the show via the “Limo Ride of Rejection,” Chris reiterated his fervent believe that he is “a nice guy,” then lamented how he always gets rejected by women who do not appreciate him. I, however, call BS.

Here’s the thing, when “a nice guy” exhibits troubling behaviour like attempting to manipulate you into dumping another guy, or trying to kiss you when you obviously are not into it, one must wonder if he is actually that nice. Surely, a truly nice man would allow a woman to make her own choices regarding her love life. Nor do I believe he would misinterpret normal eye contact as an obvious invitation to make out in public.

In the end, this week’s episode was equal parts fantasy and reality. While certain scenes, like the romantic helicopter ride with Mike, made me swoon, there were times when I wanted to throw my remote at the TV. I would like to conclude on this final thought: Is there anything more annoying than “The Nice Guy” archetype, the one who uses nefarious means to manipulate you into being with him, then vilifies you for rejecting him? I think not!

Thank you to Two Oceans Wine for partnering with us on this post, and for hooking us up with the sweetest Bachelorette Canada viewing kit: popcorn, a cozy blanket, socks, a chocolate rose (!!!) and two bottles of beautiful wine (Two Oceans Sauvignon Blanc and Two Oceans Shiraz). Now that’s how you do The Bachelorette Canada in style.

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