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The Little Voice Inside My Head

I’m too fat. My nose is crooked. Ears too big. Hips too wide. Arms too long. Body too lanky. Head too small. I feel stumpy. I’m not strong enough. I’m too weak. I need to be taller. I’m too short. No, I’m too tall. Zero confidence. Zero fucks. Too many fucks. Slut. Skank. Bitch. Used.

Not appreciated. No respect. Not paid. Zero money. Too poor. Embarrassing. Too many bills. Can’t keep up. Can’t afford anything. Too expensive. I’m not making enough money. I’m never going to make it. I’m not good enough. I’m an idiot. A space case. Can’t vocalize. Can’t speak. I hate crowds. I hate people. I hate myself.

Hair too thick. Hair too thin. Straggly. Puffy. Full of static. Too curly. Too much like an afro. Not smooth. Not straight. Not curly. Not healthy. Not blonde. Not red. Not brown. Not the colour. Too damaged. Too broken. Too dry. Not sexy. Not what I want. Need to wash it. Feels greasy. Nasty. Too much oil. Why can’t I have her hair? I want her hair. Will it ever be nice? Grey hair. Coarse hair. More grey hair. Getting older. Getting fatter. Gross. Not young. Not youthful. Wrinkles.

Forehead. Eyes. Tired. Too tired. Not getting enough sleep. Must eat better. Drink more tea. Drink less alcohol. No more beer. No more cocktails. More water. Still want to go out. Cocaine. Lose weight. Lost too much. Clothes don’t fit. Need new clothes. Can’t find clothes I like. What’s my style again? What am I looking for? I don’t know. Online shopping. Extra shipping. Don’t deliver to Canada. Spent too much. Need to save money. Broke. Will I ever make enough money? Money. Money. I’m a Capitalist. Ugh.

Boring friends. New friends. Not enough friends. Get more friends. Miss my old friends. Who are my real friends? I want those friends. I want other people’s friends. I don’t know how to make new friends. Not in university anymore. Not in college anymore. Not in high school anymore. Am I in the right career? I don’t know what I’m doing. Everyone can tell. I’m never going to figure it out. My colleagues think I’m an idiot. My boss thinks I’m an idiot. Everyone thinks I’m an idiot. I’m stupid. Snap out of it. Text friend. Waiting to respond. Nobody responds when I need them. Nobody is there for me when I need them to be.

Why hasn’t he texted me? Why hasn’t he fucked me yet? Why isn’t he attracted to me? He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me. He’s not into me. We don’t love each other. That’s not love. It’s sex. Sex is love. Sex is sex. Sex doesn’t meet anything. Am I a sociopath? Am I a psychopath? I don’t have a doctor. Money. Need a doctor. Need a life. Am I getting a cold? Fuck.

Competition. She’s doing better than me. He’s more successful. I’m falling behind. I’m not doing as well as they’re doing. I’m failing. My parents think I’m failing. I can’t fail. I’ll fail anyways. More followers. More friends. More likes. More everything. I want. I need it. I don’t know what I need or want. Everyone is happy. Am I as happy? I’m not. What makes me happy? What are they doing that I’m not. Anxious. Too anxious. Not-normal anxious.

Prescription? Spiral. Hungover. Drinks. Coke. Vitamins. Need more vitamins. Need abs. I need to tone my arms. Exercise. Fat again. I’m too scared to do yoga. I’m too scared in general. I don’t know. I should watch Netflix. I should watch TedX Talks. I should read a book. I need therapy. I don’t need therapy. How much is therapy? I need to wax. I’m too hairy. Wait, how much is therapy? Can’t afford that. No way.

There’s no solution.

What’s the answer? There is no answer. Shut up. Stop talking. Stop it. I can stop it. Stop thinking about it. Think about something else. Stop thinking. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up forever. Shut up. Think positive. Shut up. Be better. Shut up. I’m better. I’m smart.

I can do it.

1 Comment

  1. skeetersden
    April 21, 2015

    I think your are drop dead gorgeous and a great writer. I think you are very brave,  there is no way I would have the balls to share my private thoughts and feelings with the world. Now take a deep breath, let it out slowly and watch some side splitting funny cat and dog videos, I find that gives my yappy little voice a break

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