I have an infestation of the worst possible kind in my bed. It’s called THE 3AM HUMP BUG and is also known as my horny boyfriend who, every night unfailingly, tries to seduce me while he’s half asleep.

The routine goes something like this:

3AM – I groggily register he has shuffled from his half of the bed to mine and is now spooning me in a sloppy, half-hearted embrace. I assume something is up but am WAYYYYY too tired to do anything about it.

3:02AM – He slowly starts kissing my neck. Actually it’s more like tired puppy dog licking because he’s too sleepy to really form his pucker properly. I’m falling in and out of consciousness and suddenly my dream I’m caught naked running down Queen West in a rain shower seems much more real…

3:05PM – He has found his way to my breasts and is engaging in full fondle mode. Ok, ok, so that does feel kinda nice, if I wasn’t so exhausted there’s a SLIM chance that I MAY entertain the idea.

3:07AM – He starts grinding me from behind and I can definitely feel how ready to go he is (that ain’t a banana sister). I am now officially turned on, but it’s so late, and I’m so tired, and I have to be up for work in four hours, and — OH, HELLO, well that feels good…

3:09AM – I am no longer a bit sleepy. I roll over in total lust and heat and passion and with a "lets do this baby!" mentality.

3:10AM – He rolls towards the wall and goes back to sleep. SERIOUSLY. I try to reverse the routine – nothing. I smack him on the back a few times – nothing. The man has become unrousable.

3:15AM – I’m left wide-awake wondering what the hell just happened. I either take care of myself with my emergency vibrator (who, I might add, is ALWAYS up and ready to go), or try to sleep with my pent up sexual frustration (which I plan to turn into boyfriend-wrath the next day).

8AM – Once he has had his morning shower and is clearly with it, I demand to know what happened last night. He either has no recollection of the incident at all or remembers it vaguely, saying once he finally got me in the mood he realized how much "work" still needed to be done to get me off, and it just made him sleepy.

If you can identify with this chain of events it’s likely you’ve got a hump bug in your bed. If the infestation is driving you as crazy as it’s driving me, try the following extermination tactics:

• Put a massive wall of pillows between you and the bug before you go to bed. This will restrict his easy access to late night fondles.
• Turn towards him as soon as he starts his mating dance to scare him off. This way you’ll avoiding getting turned on and can fall immediately back to sleep.
• Fuck him so hard before he goes to bed he’ll have nothing left for the 3AM HUMP BUG in him. This is my personal favorite remedy.
• After he has roused you and refused to follow through, jump up and down on the bed while yelling, "NOW YOU TRY AND SLEEP THROUGH THIS!!!" He’ll think twice about bed humping you tomorrow night.

Good night, good luck and good riddance!