by Jen McNeely

Taking cues from sexy prick Dr. House, the cane is now an accessory that you can lean on whether you have arthritis or not.

Oak hook, black shaft, bone carved, light weight – the choices and styles to choose from are endless. Further, be sure to hold firm to a cane with a name that is truly an extension of self: The Duke, My Lord, The Brier Rabbit, and The Connoisseur – the cane’s personality should match the cultured and high class woman you are.

Let the cane walk you while you swivel your hips side to side. If you’re feeling brash enough, do a foxy three point twist around the cane while waiting for the light to change.


At the club, let the cane lead you to the dance floor, cut a circle like a compass and once you have marked your territory, slide the cane between your legs and ride with some hard pumping Jay-Z in the background. It’s the transportable pole dancing, that with cheerleading talent can even double as a baton to twist and twirl in front of on looking admirers.

What’s even more terrific about this sturdy, at your side prop is that you can use it as a weapon. If he dares to slap your ass uninvited – stick it to them, literally.

“Well hellooooooooooooo there, I’m not in a rush”– is the sultry message a cane sends when you push open a door at a boardroom meeting and then continue to use it as a pointer to emphasize key bullet points or company objectives. Co-workers appreciate signs of eccentricity, and beyond this a cane simply evokes money…similar to the pirates patch.

The pointing use of a cane is not reserved for flip charts and PowerPoint’s, but equally as helpful to outcast litter thugs on the street. Push the potato chip bag with the footing of the cane and slide it right over to that piggish polluter’s foot. With a gentle tap and a raised eyebrow, your point will be made in a tactful and poignant manner. If he responds with a low grunt and a shrug, be sure to accidentally tilt the cane in his direction upon exit. As he stumbles and falls to the ground, simply remark that you have zero tolerance for those who dispose of their waste with such haste and disregard.

On the dance floor, at the office, or doing some sophisticated walking on a Sunday afternoon in the park – the cane is the ultimate way to appear cultured, dapper and with a little ‘make way for my entrance’ avant garde cool.

Move over you strutting stand tall bitch, this season is all about the limp and the gimp.