I am ashamed to admit it was I who broke the fart barrier in our relationship. We had been seeing each other for about a month and had just spent our first entire weekend together at my apartment, only venturing from the bed when absolutely necessary – either to scrounge for another take-out menu or another condom.

It was Sunday afternoon and I was almost in the clear. He was giving me the sexiest foot massage of my life while I lay on the bed, wearing a nightie sans undies, my ass directly in alignment with his head. That’s when the monster toot slipped out that sounded like a wet raspberry and smelled like a dying dog – and whether this was because of the copious amounts of weekend take-out Pad Thai or the copious amounts of weekend anal we’ll never know.

Of course after that incident he figured all bets were off and it was totally acceptable to throw all etiquette out the window. A year later I’m still paying for my crucial mistake and, as a result, fighting an acute case of the I-DON’T-CARE-HOW-LONG-WE’VE-BEEN-DATING-YOUR-EXCESSIVE-FARTING-AND-NINE-INCH-MOLE-HAIRS-GROWING-OUT-OF-YOUR-BACK-STILL-MAKE-ME-WANT-TO-PUKE disease. You know you’re afflicted when your dude dares to commit one or more of the following deadly sins:

1. He invites you to sit on his lap to trick you into thinking he’s the perfect, well-behaved boyfriend you always wanted. Turns out he only did that so he could hold you hostage while letting a beyond foul fart seep out to pollute the surrounding air.

2. He has allowed the mole hairs on his back to grow so long that if you gathered them all up you could easily crochet a sweater AND a pair of matching mittens.

3. He yells that if you come into the bathroom RIGHT THIS INSTANT he will allow you to pluck every last one of his mole hairs. After you make it there (in record time) you realize this has all been a ploy to lure you in and force you to smell the major steamer he has vacated in the toilet. Extra points if you realize this AFTER he’s locked the door and left you alone with it.

So besides breaking up with him, buying a gas mask, or finding a time machine to take your back to the moment of your first fart, what exactly is the cure? This time you need a reverse medicine – give HIM a dose of major retaliation. I’m talking don’t shower for a week, wear the same underwear until he (and you) just can’t stand it any longer (preferably granny undies with the high waste band) and stop maintaining your eyebrows, legs, and hoo-ha altogether. Once he’s gotten the message and is begging for you to change your ways, sit down for a heartfelt conversation and go over your expectations. Remember to be realistic and realize that some things will inevitably slip after being in a long-term relationship – but dropping bum brownies and running will never be acceptable behavior.