As you’ve probably gathered from previous articles, my honey and I aren’t exactly the rip-each-other’s-underwear-off-and-go-at-it-like-rabbits type. But there is indeed an exception to this – when we’re smashed off our asses.

Enter May 24, the weekend that stands for beer, bad weather, and bumping uglies (which usually occurs in a tent while under the influence of the first two factors). Now if you’re in my shoes you’ll find that partaking in the first staple greatly improves your chances for experiencing the last; or, to put it another way, while Vitamin C boosts my immunity, it’s VITAMIN BEER that boosts my “you’re pretty when I’m drunk” sensitivity.

But beware, if you find yourself in any of the following situations it is likely you, your dude, or perhaps both of you have overdosed:

1. In a moment of drunken passion he tries to rip your tank top off like people do in movies (what movies I can’t recall, but I’m sure there are some out there). The problem is you’re wearing that really elastically kind from Smart Set that is basically indestructible, so he ends up just tiring himself out and falling asleep before even attempting to insert flap 1 into slot 2.

2. He actually manages to touch down (or in, or whatever) but you pass out halfway through the deed. When you regain consciousness several minutes later you find, like the champion he is, he’s still thumping away.

3. He’s just about to bring er’ home when you leap out of bed without warning so you can run to the bathroom to yack. After that you gurgle Listerine in the bathroom and accidentally swallow it (oh well, there’s alcohol in there right? Little more couldn’t hurt…) and bound back to bed without missing a beat.

The bottom line? If you find yourself in a long-term relationship where the passion has waned somewhat, an occasional dose of VITAMIN BEER can’t hurt (that is, as long as you’re pointed at each other when the side effects kick in). Just remember to screw responsibly, and for god’s sakes don’t screw and drive.