Christmas time is here, and you’re a ho, ho, ho. Well, not really, but you’re a fun, frisky human and you want to give some fun, frisky gifts. Basically, if you’re horny and you know it clap your hands… CLAP CLAP let’s get started, we’ve got some shopping to do.

The Beginner Pervert
So, you want a fun, naughty gift and don’t know where to start. How about a subscription to or to get the ball rolling? All of Cosmo’s ‘Surprise Your Man TONIGHT’ tips basically boil down to “touch the balls” or “get in that butt,” so maybe bring your partner to bed and bust out this prostate massager ($90), to see what he says? Probably something like “unnnsdfhoguffffffff.” If you can’t quite bring yourself to utter the words “I want to put this vibey thing up your b-hole,” why not start super basic with the Fantasy Sex Deck (pictured above, $19.95), a card game to get you two (or three, or four… wait, you said you were beginners at this?) talking about what really turns you on, then go Boxing Day shopping for whatever you decide you want to try out most!

The Subtle Pervert
Rubber kitchen gloves, camping rope, wooden spoons, belts and other spanking tools all have the benefit of doubling as rudey-dudey bedroom tools as well as objects any old vanilla bean might have lying around the house. See also: used underwear. Imagine?? Rare is the gift both extremely intimate and basically free. Just pop off your knickers and tie a bow around them and you’re good to go! (Bonus points if the ribbon is long enough to tie your wrists up later.) For pervs who are also horny for savings, the sleep mask above could definitely be used for… not sleeping… if you catch my drift… and is only $2.99! Ho ho ho INDEED.

The Practical Pervert
There are certain things a smart, healthy, free-lovin’ pervert will always need more of eventually: condoms and other barriers, easy-to-clean, high quality toys made of body-safe materials, lube that both tastes good and works well in any number of orifices on any number of surfaces (Astroglide is a classic, and $20 for 5oz), and maybe some light snacks or bottles of water for breaks during play. There’s also this deeply practical “No More Wet Spot” absorbent blanket ($74.95), which is so basic-yet-useful it is more or less the sweater and socks gift equiv for the sex positive.

The Fancy Pervert
While it’s possible to get filthy on a budget, decadence and perversion go together like whips and restraints, which is to say, sexily. Splurge on some fancy lingerie or buy a luxurious real leather whip. Why not treat yourself and your lover to the grand-daddy of all couples sex toys, the We Vibe ($139-$159), or a $65 stainless steel crystal-topped butt plug (pictured above). Like a diamond ring, but anal, this fun toy turns your butthole into a sparkling gem, like a horny troll doll but sexy. (Butt sexy.)

The Pervert-Adjacent
Got friends who might be inquisitive about getting their perv on? Family members having a hard time understanding your multi-partner relationship? Want to hint to your bf or gf that you’re interested in trying something new without surprising them by installing a St. Andrew’s cross while they’re grocery shopping? In the wise, deeply paraphrased words of sweet, velvet-y pervert Tom Jones, I say: “Sex Book, Sex Book, get a Sex Book!” And we are not talking 50 Shades, here. Some suggestions: Sex at Dawn, on the origins of contemporary sexuality with an eye to humanity’s prehistoric, nonmonogamous past; All About S.E.X.: The Scarleteen Book is an incredible primer marketed to teens and 20somethings but which definitely contains something for everyone, with masturbation tips to advice on when to move in together, to understanding consent and more; Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink, essays, wit and wisdom about femmes, fetishes, fantasy fulfillment and more; A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting is mostly being included on this list because it is the best title I’ve ever heard in my life; The Ethical Slut is a classic for monog and poly babies alike, as we’ve discussed before.

Not seeing anything here that tickles your fancy? Head to your friendly neighbourhood sex shop and ask the hyper-informed staff what they’d like to receive this holiday season. My favourite shop in the city is Come As You Are at 493 Queen St. West, but Toronto has much to offer, sex stores-wise. For shops near you, consult this helpful round up.