Last week, after eating an entire package of Chips Ahoy chewey cookies in one go, I made the mistake of asking my boyfriend to police my eating habits. “I can’t be trusted!” I blathered, “I have one taste of sugar and all I want is more! I need YOU to help me so I don’t turn into a 500 pound sow who can’t fit into one seat on an airplane and has to pay for TWO!!!”
And how did my dude respond to this? In the absolute worst way possible – he took me seriously. This explains my recent closet-sugar-o-holic syndrome which I self-diagnosed in light of the following four symptoms:
1. I was enlisted to baby-sit Friday night and was told I could help myself to whatever I liked in the kitchen. One problem – the family are the healthiest eaters in the world who buy things like “organic flax seed bread” and “all-natural peanut butter”. I resorted to cracking open a package of baby’s cereal bars and eating six of them. I was busted when my boyfriend found the stash of wrappers in my pocket while he was doing laundry the next morning.
2. On Saturday at our friend’s engagement party I informed my boyfriend I was going out for a smoke. What I really did was stuff my pockets full of home-baked cookies and chocolate almonds and devoured them on the back porch (sugar is so much tastier then nicotine). He found me out when we looked at Facebook pictures of the event the next day – I had a massive chocolate chunk stuck in my braces for half of the shots (oops).
3. Sunday I called him from the grocery store to ask if he wanted some chips. He immediately deduced I was being “thoughtful” because I had already picked up something sweet for me (two Sara Lee Cheesecakes and a Snickers Super Pack to be exact) and would feel better about myself if I bought him something fattening too. After all, closet-sugar-o-holics love company in the closet with them.
4. After the above shenanigans I agreed to a pact that I will buy no more unhealthy groceries. However we didn’t say anything about the groceries that were already at home, so I hunted down an economy sized chocolate syrup squeeze bottle that has been in my pantry for years and started eating it on everything. My new daily staples are chocolate syrup toast, chocolate syrup tangerines and chocolate syrup salad dressing (chill out, I only tried that one like, twice).
My conclusion is that I simply can’t live like this. Sugar is my drug of choice and a hit now and then makes me a much happier person overall. Besides, my closet-sugar-o-holic syndrome is causing me to eat even MORE sweets then usual; I’m unsure of where my next fix will come from, so have to use and abuse every time I get the chance.
In loo of this I sat my boyfriend down to have a talk. He responded that as long as I can muster enough control I don’t need that second airplane seat anytime soon, we should be ok.