Well, it’s Pride. And nothing says "I’m proud of all the steps my gay forefathers made for equality" than some drunk, sloppy, 4 AM sex with a stranger. So what will it be this year? Things may unfold a little differently, but the result is always the same. Regretful stories shared over brunch the next morning — wait, who am I kidding? I don’t make it out for brunch the next day. Well, regretful stories shared over text messages and chugging water then. Can I top the prior escapades I’ve heard before?

Sex In The Toilet

Not too original, sex in the bathroom. But fuck, sometimes you’re at the bar, grinding your shit up on someone else’s shit, and you just can’t be bothered with all the expense and aggrivation of taking a cab all the way back home. Let’s not forget if it’s prior to 2 AM, you might be wasting your whole night on one dude when there could be another later… Let’s see, I’ve heard of… Sex in the Fly bathroom. The little tiny one near the doors that barely fits one, let alone two. Shit, at least they had some dignity and spared us all from doing it in the very public ladies toilet… Sexy times! Sex in the math building toilet of some university. Math geeks really are the sexiest, aren’t they? And my goodness, so so so much sex in the toilet on the fourth floor of the Wheldon lib-ary at UWO. Go ‘Stangs!

Sex In The Park

Getting better… With Pride comes that lovely smell from those maple trees. You know the one I mean… That oh so familiar, slightly bleachy smell? Or is it just the hordes of homos fucking in Queen’s Park? Take a stroll through there some night in the summer. I dare you. Hey, if you’re a dude, you might get lucky! I made out there once, in broad daylight. Scandalous, I know. The guy was trying to go further, but being a chaste lady, I waited until we went home to his four roommate apartment and made out with him on the living room couch. E-mail me to get the name of my finishing school.

Sex With The Guy Who Looked A Lot Better With Ten Beers And Dim Lighting

Wait, that’s every one night stand, ever. "Um, I have a lot to do today. Listen, last night was fun! I’ll totally call you. Kiss? No, I’ve got total morning breath… I should just get out of your hair. Talk to you later! Yeah, totally, I’ll call!"

Happy Pride everybody!

"Face down, ass up, that’s the way we like to fuck!"