I walk in on my dude watching YouTube educational sex videos about how to give women a G-spot orgasm. He turns to me with his eyes wide. “Want to try this?” he babbles, “I bet I could make you ejaculate!”

Well, what woman doesn’t want to ejaculate? So I say, “Sure, lets give it a go.”

A few moments later we’re both naked. I’m lying on the bed and he’s fingering me while waggling the tip of his finger up in there like it’s a retarded little fish trying frantically to swim upstream.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Making a ‘come here’ motion. It stimulates your G-spot!”

“No it doesn’t. It’s actually kind of uncomfortable.”

“Really? Hmmmm… Maybe I need to get you more aroused first. The video said you needed at least 20 minutes of foreplay before you are fully aroused.”

I think about this. “You should watch these types of videos more often.”

So twenty minutes later (to the second) he’s back at it. I’m still feeling lukewarm about the whole ‘come here’ thing (my pussy doesn’t like it when she’s ordered to do something), but since he put in that whole 20 minutes I figure I’ll make a few little moans before I tell him to ‘put his dick inside me already’.

He hears one moan and freaks out. “Do you kind of feel like you have to pee?!” He squeaks, “Because if you do, DON’T FIGHT IT! That could mean you’re about to EJACULATE!!!!”

“No,” I sigh, “I don’t feel like I’m going to pee. I feel like you’re stoking so hard your finger is going to penetrate my vaginal wall and come out through my stomach.”

“Oh,” He stops wagging, “I don’t think it’s supposed to feel like that. I must not be doing it right.”

I put my hand on his face reassuringly. “You’re doing it FINE. My pussy just prefers a penis, that’s all. She’s very picky.”

He perks up, “Well, we better give her what she wants!”

A few minutes later he’s folding my legs back around my head in an impossible pretzel position. Now just to clarify, I was never one of those adorable blonde girls who would run around in their leotards at recess practicing their splits because their parents had stuck them in gymnastics straight from the womb. I was the little redhead with an impossible amount of freckles who tried to do the splits in the privacy of her own backyard and had almost broken her pelvis by the time she got halfway there. So needless to say, this new position was not very comfortable.

“There!” He says after he has tangled me up, “Now I can get in really deep! I’ll find your G-spot for sure! Does it feel like you have to pee yet?”

“No. It feels like I need a doctor.”

Suddenly my guy’s eyes roll back in his head. He starts to moan. He starts to pump harder.

“Ow!” I voice, annoyed.

This snaps him back in the moment, “I’m sorry honey, are you ok? It’s just that… This position feels SO GOOD for me! Are you sure you’re not feeling any G-spottage?”

I sigh. “Oh just go ahead. Enjoy it.”

Ten seconds later it’s all over and we’re in our post-coital cuddle.

“I’m really sorry honey. I wanted to make YOU ejaculate. Not the other way around.”

“Don’t worry about it. You meant well. A for effort.” I reach under the bed and grab my large purple dildo from my sex-stash box, “But in the meantime…”

And we both lived happily ever after.

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  1. mr. roboto
    December 4, 2008

    funny… the trials and tribulations of straight sex.

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