He Was Into You, Until…


By Jen Houston

“He’s just not that into you” has become the mantra of consoling friends ever since its revolutionary entrance into our lives via Sex and the City . But has the sentence become a false (and potentially disadvantageous) solace for women who really did mess up royally?

“He’s just not that into you” is a blunt evaluation that the rejection was unavoidable. The disinterested party truly just did not feel a connection – it was no one’s fault. But sometimes it really was someone’s fault. Just as there are things a guy you’re “into” can do to ruin his chances, there are things you can do to drive him away – even if he liked you to begin with. While repeating “he’s just not that into me” may make you feel better about that silent phone, it may not be the needed kick-in-the-ass that originally made the phrase an epiphany. Sometimes he was into you, until you did one of these things:

You moved too fast.
This #1 mistake may be the hardest to avoid, but no matter how close you are to proclaiming him your soulmate, keep your fool mouth shut. If you really are meant to spend the rest of your lives together, you’ve got plenty of time to ease into your relationship.

You wore something you looked uncomfortable in.
Those 6-inch stilettos looked great in the mirror, but he’ll lose a little respect while watching you hobble around town all night looking like you’re on hot coals.

You cried over something stupid.
Women are expected to break down on occasion, but if you cry on a first date, make damn sure it’s over something serious, like your dog dying, and not something utterly ridiculous – like getting the wrong order at a restaurant.

You flirted with someone else.
While your date will be insulted if you ignore him to chat with a male friend, often the difference between flirting and talking rests in your ability to engage your date in the conversation. Using segues to include him in the discussion will keep him involved, and test his own social skills.

You were rude to his friends.
Just as you may run into friends while on a date, so could he. Be tolerant of his drunk and obnoxious beer buddies. Make sure to show that you have a sense of humour if one spills a drink on you.

You were inappropriately jealous.
If one of his friends happens to be an attractive female, resist the urge to be catty and make friends, she could be someone whose opinion he’s counting on to decide whether or not to call you again.

You kept talking about yourself, or didn’t talk at all.
The only thing worse than going on about yourself all night is not talking at all. Fight your feelings of insecurity and let out those silly comments your besties love; if he really is into you, your personality will win him over.

You kept talking about your ex.
Whether the comments are positive or negative, you’re going to come off badly. If you say good things, it looks like you’re still not over him, and if you say bad things – you’re still not over him.

You went into too much detail about your religious beliefs.
If your religion is a major part of your life, it’s perfectly acceptable to let your date know, that way he will be able to decide if your lifestyles are compatible. However, going on for hours about your specific beliefs, or (lord help you) trying to convert him, is going to send him running for the hills.

You had bad breath/body odour.
If you can’t even clean up for a date, how will your hygiene be in ten or twenty years? Brush your teeth, put on deodorant and make sure to wash up after you smoke if he’s not a puffer. And go easy on the perfume, too much can make him ill.

You insisted on a movie/restaurant you knew he wouldn’t like.
He told you he wasn’t really interested in seeing Ghosts of Girlfriends Past , but you made a big deal about it… and this was after taking him to a vegan-only restaurant when you know he’s a “Meat-a-saurus.” And you’re wondering why he hasn’t called? Showing that you know how to compromise early on will earn you mega points in the “relationship material” category.

You purposely ordered the priciest thing on the menu.
You think he doesn’t know what you’re doing. The truth is everyone in the restaurant can see the dollar signs in your eyes. It does not make it look like you’re worth more than the girl who ordered the chicken – you know, the girl whose date is actually enjoying himself.

You complained too much.
The waiter was rude, the food took too long, the movie was bad, your feet hurt from the stilettos… is this what life with you will be like? No one wants to hang out with someone who’s in a bad mood all the time. If you find you’re being picky, focus on the good – like his eyes, his hair, his lips… sigh.

You hovered around him at a social gathering.
If you decide to go out in a friendly group, make sure to mingle and allow him to do the same. Gluing your arm around his waist a week into your “relationship” will have him rethinking having you around at all.

You judged a book by its cover.
You expected him to only like rock music because of his tattoos and piercings, and mock his love of jazz. Have an open mind; judging him by his appearance will only make you look shallow and naïve.

You couldn’t take a joke.
Are you dumb or just in a coma? Because that guy tripping while crossing the street was really funny. Okay, not really, but if you can’t laugh at what he’s laughing at, at least make fun of him so he knows you’re not a total corpse.

You wanted him to show affection with gifts.
“Ooh, can you buy me… Ooh, can I have… Ooh, can we get…” It’s the 21st century honey, treat him to a gift once in a while – buy him a beer, pay for the cab or movie tickets… you aren’t running an escort service.

You slobbered on him during a kiss.
Guys place more importance on the magic of a kiss than you may realize. Slobbering on him or keeping your lips tight together may send the message that you are a sloppy or frigid lover. Keep your lips puckered and your tongue out of his mouth – mostly.

You played dumb.
While playing dumb may occasionally give you the upper hand in social situations, a date is not one of them. Any respectable man will be looking for a woman with a big sexy brain, so don’t talk about The Hills all night (unless of course, he’s a fan, then marry him.)

You double-booked.

You only penciled in two hours for your date, despite having made the plans almost a week ago. Things seemed to be going really well, but then you bailed. Make sure to leave the night free in case you have a great time, so you won’t leave him thinking “she’s just not that into me.”

Navigating the minefield of possible mistakes doesn’t have to be so confusing. Keep the focus on being considerate and having a good time. If he goes home knowing that you enjoyed his company and care about his opinions, he’ll be more likely to ask you out again.

No Comments

  1. Anonymous
    June 24, 2009

    I think you forgot the classic “you slept with him”. I’m the first to admit that it sucks and shouldnt matter with the right guy, but on a first date you don’t know if he’s the right guy and vice versa. So when you go all the way like Stephanie Kay, even if you are a complete minx in bed, chances are you will be taken for a one night stand, or someone that isnt worth it. experience is a wise and cruel teacher.

  2. Jen H.
    June 24, 2009

    I fully agree!

    I intended “You moved too fast” to cover that too.

    A lot of guys are not ready for things to go so far so quickly, whether it’s romantically or sexually… even if they’re into the shagging that night.

  3. Jen H.
    June 24, 2009

    Also love the Degrassi reference, BTW!!!!!!!

  4. Anonymous
    June 25, 2009

    …and some of us will never learn. Well spoken.

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