Like many human beings, I have a uterus. Like many uteruses, mine exists entirely to spite me. The following is a list of things my uterus has done to spite me in the past two months:

  1. If there appears to be any chance of having sexual relations with another human being, my uterus will ensure that it coincides with the third day of my period. It was once a week late simply for this purpose.
  2. Has there been a minor setback in my life? My uterus takes great pleasure in flooding me with the sort of hormones that will cause me to burst into tears on such occasions as a) being unable to find the shirt I was looking for, b) finding the shirt I was looking for underneath my cat and thus covered in so much cat hair as to be completely unwearable, and c) realizing I will have to move my cat to retrieve the shirt, but being unable to do so because of how cute he is and how much I love him.
  3. Whatever devices I use to contain my menstrual blood, my uterus takes great pleasure in thwarting them. Pad? Ha, you cannot contain this flood! Tampon and pad? Hahahaha, you FOOL, the flood only grows heavier! DIVACUP? My uterus LAUGHS at such pitiful efforts—let the waters rise and overflow, and woe unto thee who wears light-coloured pants!
  4. Relevant to number four—my uterus can always sense if I am wearing a pair of underwear that I love, or some light-coloured clothing, especially if I have forgotten my DivaCup at home. It does not matter if it is two weeks early, my uterus will use this occasion to open the floodgates and let bloody hell reign.
  5. Should the destruction of my clothes, mental stability, and sex life be insufficient to render me a completely non-functional mess, my uterus is always prepared to inflict on me the most blinding pain imaginable. Though you might think it is only hurting itself this way, it clearly considers the sacrifice to be more than worth it.

I must conclude here, as my uterus is forcing me to retire to my bed and eat an entire pizza by myself—pizza, at least, is something my uterus and I can agree on.