My best friend and I have known each other for seventeen years and counting. She is kind, trustworthy, and as loyal as Air Bud. I’m so happy to have her as a friend because she is the only other person who truly understands the struggles that come with having a big nose. You have no idea how much we have bonded over the cursed mid-sections of our respective faces. That is the secret to our almost two-decade-long friendship. Well, that and our shared love for romantic comedies and tea.
Now, many pleasant, polite individuals will tell me my nose is “not big at all,” or would claim they’ve “never even noticed,” or my personal fave: “It’s proportionate to the rest of your face.” While I appreciate all of these fine attempts to comfort me, they are all lies.
My nose is not up for debate. It is big and I “nose” it (I’m sorry, I had to). My nose paired with my curly brown hair has caused people all over the world to immediately assume I’m Jewish, which is sometimes a nice break from the confusion of me not being Asian after people see my last name is “Shamata” (yeah, I don’t get it either).
It’s not that I am disappointed with my overall looks or anything. I mean, I have big blue eyes and I’m growing increasingly fond of my shoulders and back (thanks Pilates!), but I have yet to grow fond of my nose. From straight on, I look like a perfectly adequate person, but the moment I turn slightly to the left or right, I might as well be Gru from Despicable Me.
So, for all you out there with those cute little button noses whose lives I can only assume are an endless array of sunshine and rainbows, allow me to introduce you to the horrors us big-nosed individuals face daily:
There’s the simple appearance of it. Big noses are not all that appealing. No one gets plastic surgery to make their nose bigger or more lumpy. No one wants a big nose, yet some of us don’t have a choice. Posing in profile is never an option for us poor unfortunate souls, which is exactly why I made the courageous decision to not become a model…that and the fact that I enjoy the eating of food.
There’s the overwhelming number of functional disadvantages. Our big nose gets in the way of EVERYTHING. I cannot daintily sip any beverage featuring whipped cream without getting said whipped cream all over my nose. Yes, I could simply not get whipped cream, but that isn’t a world I want to live in.
Forget about getting the last inch of any drink with a lid on it or the last drop of wine in an oversized glass without looking like a possessed child summoning demon spirits. Yes, it’s as unnatural and uncomfortable as it sounds. My neck is in constant pain.
Lying face-down is never an option.
No matter how much sunscreen I wear, my nose will burn 100% of the time. Do small-nosed people have this problem? Probably not. They just get freckles, which make them even cuter.
Big noses hinder romance. (This is based mostly on theoretical assessment and not empirical data.) Leaning in for a kiss is far from graceful and must be done at a very precise angle to yield success. Luckily, I don’t have to deal with this event very often. Thank goodness.
There are a few bright sides to having a big nose…and by a “few” I mean there’s two. The first is that I can actually touch my tongue to my nose. This is something that I’m very excited about and show friends and/or strangers whether they ask to see or not.
The second is the ability to hold objects between my upper lip and my nose. I once went through my entire pencil case and successfully held all the objects. Pens, highlighters, erasers, rulers; you name it, I held it. I may not be able to drink beverages like normal humans, or take angled pictures, but by golly I can hold a number of objects between my lip and nose like there’s no tomorrow.
So to my darling best friend and big-nosed friends alike, I would like to say to you that victory is ours! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, remember that every imperfection has a silver lining and I employ you to find yours.