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The Pregnancy Files: Welcome to the Vagina Disco

Turn baby, turn! Once a woman hits 32 weeks, her baby is supposed to be head down, ready to launch on the big day. However, many little ones take their sweet time making the flip. Some enjoy hanging out sideways, like they’re lazying around in a hammock. Others prefer to mimic their mom and float upright, head to the sky. If baby remains stubborn, determined not to turn, moms-to-be need a swift and serious action plan.

There are many tactics that a mom, or couple, can do to help a baby into the position for labour. Some women lie diagonally, for hours each night, with their feet higher than their heart. You can have your partner read stories to your vagina, in hopes that baby will eventually doggy paddle towards his, or her, voice. Acupuncture, chiropractor, handstands at your local pool, persuasion via hot and cold packs: there are specialists and strategies! I decided to host a vagina disco.

I got in touch with a DJ I love (conveniently, he is also the father) and while he cued up the Blackberry Playbook Pacemaker turntables (someone does own these!) I positioned myself comfortably under the bed sheets, turned off the lights and readied the strobe light (er, handheld flashlight).

“Hold it a bit higher,” he said.

“Like this?” I fumbled.

“Yes. But not so fast! It’s supposed to be a disco ball.”

“I thought it was a strobe light?”

“It’s not a laser light show! It should be soothing, maybe a bit lower.”

“I can’t see anything. I can’t even see you.”

“Oh! I think he’ll love this next track.”

Truth be told, it was a bit awkward. It’s odd to have a giant soccer-ball-sized bump blocking your view. Even if one is very comfortable with nudity, having a light and sound show hosted between your thighs (that you can’t see!) feels rather exposed and vulnerable.

We started things off with “Computer World” by Kraftwerk, followed by The Cure’s “Lullaby” (Extended 12″ Version) and by the time CCR’s “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” kicked in, I began to relax. Arms in the air, and hips swivelling to the beat, I worked that disco ball, tilted my head back and laughed.

At our 33 week ultrasound, we were reassured that our baby boy is in the right position. I didn’t confide in my OBGYN that it was probably, you know, our Vagina Disco that did the trick.

Maybe baby inherited our mutual love for dancing. I hope so.

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