When the X Man and I first split we made the touching pact we would be "true friends forever!" and that the little incident of our three-year relationship wouldn’t make things messy or cause emotions to run wild. After all we were beyond childish behavior. We had now blossomed and matured. We were – grown ups.

But after a slew of drunken MSN conversations all ending with a literal "Fuck you!" or figurative "I still want to fuck you…" I realized I was infected with a horrible post-breakup disease. No, it’s not gonorrhea; it’s the I-Don’t-Want-You-Anymore-You-Scallywag-You-But-I-Might-As-Well-Keep-You-On-The-Back- Burner-Just-In-Case Disease. This illness plagues many females who have just endured a split and display at least two of the three following symptoms:

1. Not being clear with your dude that things are 100% kaput (i.e. "At this point in my life I think you’re a lying goober who I’d like to shoot in the same spot repetitively with a BB gun until you cry like a little girl – but who knows what I’ll feel like in the future!")

2. Sending mixed physical signals (i.e. "I totally hate your guts and would prefer to receive oral sex from a crocodile on speed than sleep with you again, but I suppose it would be ok if made out one last time in the back of your mom’s van – purely for the nostalgic value.")

3. Ensuring one of your browser tabs is permanently open to his Facebook page and compulsively hitting the refresh button every thirty seconds (i.e. "Not that I care, but I couldn’t help noticing your seventeen year-old kinder whore of a neighbor has written on your wall three times in the last four hours. You know it’s illegal to pursue that right?")

If you realize you’re among the infected don’t beat yourself up – it happens to the best of us. But do your ex (and your girlfriends who have been listening to you whine about him for the past month) a favor and cure yourself. This can be done by working through your feelings of anger and resentment with a roll of Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie dough and economy size bag of chips so you can confidently set your dude free into the valley of other vaginas once and for all.

Post-disease studies show that women who successfully battle the illness benefit from totally liberated dispositions and steamy one-night stands with men significantly hotter than their ex.