My name is Lauren, and I am a masturbator.

When I was in high school and college I LOVED masturbating. I could make sweet, sweet love to myself for breakfast, lunch and dinner and STILL be hungry for more. Masturbating was a reason to get up in the morning. Masturbating gave my life meaning.

Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but I did partake in the activity a lot. However ever since I began receiving sex-on-demand from my long-term beau, the activity I had once loved so much slowly petered out of my life. So much so that he just returned from a one-week trip and I realized I did not pleasure myself even once during his time away.

Now sex is a loaded word in our relationship. In every other area we are well over 100% fabulous, but we have never been a tear-our-clothes-off-with-our-teeth-and-do-it-like-monkeys kind of couple. But there was definitely a raw sexual passion we experienced early in our relationship that now, after three years, had totally flickered and died. Was this the reason masturbation was no longer prevalent in my life? Or was the lack of masturbation a causing factor of my relationships sexual struggle? I decided to Sherlock Holmes the shit out of this question by giving my trigger finger a mandatory workout at least once a day. It couldn’t hurt, right?

Day 1 of the Polish the Pearl challenge. I’m in our room with the door closed. I have lube, Best of Women’s Erotica 2007, my pocket rocket and Clive (my big purple vibrator). It’s been so long I don’t know where to begin. I start with my favorite story, the one about the chick that goes camping with two of her bisexual male friends and they both have their way with her at the same time (it’s sexy, right?), and it gets me right in the mood. A little coaxing from Clive and some accompaniment by my pocket rocked and voila – orgasm. This was even easier then I remembered.

It has been two weeks, and it turns out that masturbation is to my libido what water is to those tiny plastic creatures you buy at the dollar store (you know, the itty bitty speck that turns into a honkin’ dinosaur overnight). My dude is pleased because I’m more carnal (thank the campers) and I’m pleased because, well, because I’m having more sex – both with myself and with him. I don’t expect this sexual high will last forever, but it goes back to what I have found often works in relationships – make sure your own life is happy and well-balanced and happiness and balance as a couple will naturally follow.


  1. Jen H.
    August 25, 2009

    I enjoyed this piece on so many levels – that last bit of advice is SO TRUE!

  2. Vivian
    November 28, 2009

    You’re not the only one whose addicted to sex, lol, so am I! I love all 12 of my vibrators and being an opportunistic pansexual is fun, fun, fun! 😀

  3. Anonymous
    April 21, 2011

    I think this board is the proper place to ask you about the activation proccess. My link is not working properly, do you know why it is happening?,

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