by Radcliffe U. Hall
I recently underwent a drastic physical transformation and although I felt like a bangin’ new woman I still experienced a gaping hole in my life. Although I could now identify more closely with my favourite cast members of The Real World due to my slightly rustic, yet sexy new tint of skin and the wonderful inclusion of several sailor themed bikinis in my wardrobe, I needed more. It was time to re-evaluate what was important to me. I had grown sick of constantly trying to ensnare women into long committed relationships. With the release of People magazine’s 100 Most Beautiful People, I had begun to grow tired of my outrageously successful looks. I put my pedicured foot down and said “no more!” to beauty. Instead, I decided to go on a quest for a better inner self. I spent many hours in my breakfast nook thinking of ways to achieve said inner self. I ruled out playing my acoustic guitar at the local coffee shop. I rejected a meditation retreat and gardening and adopting an orphaned Asian child. I said no to reading all of the literary classics I had avoided and becoming a better member of my community by picking up garbage and hypodermic needles. And I even decided against pleasuring myself with a louffa. Finally I realized that I couldn’t improve my self without looking at those who had been most influential in my life and who were obviously better people than me. I narrowed it to a short list of my most coolest heroes. In order of importance, they are:

1. Gertrude Stein

Not only was she a literary genius, she also contributed greatly to the arts community by founding modern art galleries, living in Paris, dating a chick who wrote a cookbook about pot, and wearing pants in the 1930s! I aspire to be a person like Gertrude and to be proud of my mustache. I especially dig her dry sense of humour, like how she suggested that Hitler should be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. She was quite the motivational speaker. I like to live by her quote “If it can be done, why do it?” I apply this to many aspects of life, like skiing and salsa dancing.

2. Snoop Doggy Dogg

In many ways I feel that Snoop is the black man equivalent to Gertrude Stein in the way that he is “chilled the fuck out”. I respect that. Often I am in a situation where I want strangle a small blonde child, usually the one that lives above me and bounces balls at 7 am, but I have to resist that urge. In those instances, I take a page from Snoop Dogg’s book and tackle the incident in a manner that he would deal with a hoe: “Baby stick to me and Imma stick on you, if you pick me then Imma pick on you, d-o-double G and I’m here to put this dick on you.” Snoop’s lyrics reflect his views on respect and loyalty; if you stick with him, he will have your back (maybe in more ways than one). I also envy the confidence he has in his manhood; he is a grown male individual who can successfully pull off having braided pigtails. Not to mention, he is also the king of all pimps. A title I would also like to attain one day in my life.

3. Jodie Foster

First of all, Jodie Foster went to Yale. Second of all, Jodie Foster can fluently speak French. And third of all, Jodie Foster was in the best movie of all time: Contact. Her voice is the embodiment of all lesbian speech patterns, less impressively found in the voices of Ellen Page and Melissa Etheridge. She has won Oscars, raised two children, gotten into fights with Russell Crowe and still managed to have the same hair cut. But above all of these things, I admire Jodie Foster because she has resisted the Hollywood pressure to be sexy.  She could be wearing a corset (see, Maverick), or dressed like a prostitute (see, Taxi Driver) and she still exudes a remarkable masculine aura. If I was ever stuck in an elevator or lost in the jungle there is no Hollywood leading man that I would choose to assist me other than Jodie Foster.

4. James Bond

For obvious reasons, James Bond is an enormous success. He cannot fail at anything. He is an impeccable dresser, a master of disguise, a talented athlete at swimming, car racing, woman seduction, jujitsu, archery, and gun handling; he is great at poker, disarming nuclear weapons, driving snow mobiles and deep sea diving. I can’t think of a more well-rounded person. But even with all of his endless abilities, he still is compassionate about world affairs. James Bond sets the bar for perfecting the art of living.

I know that it will take time to reach the pinnacle of existence that is Gertrude Stein, Snoop Dogg, Jodie Foster and James Bond but I have faith that if I apply what I have learned from all of them I will be well on my way. For instance, when I run into the tall blonde art student that works at the health food store, I won’t cower in shame or flaunt my new bikini bottoms. With the help of my new mentors I will invite her to Paris. Or call her a hoe. Or teach her a foreign language. Or seduce her in a rotating bed. I haven’t perfected my inner being yet but I am confident that trivial life situations will no longer be my concern. I won’t entirely abandon my grueling beauty routine, but with my newfound self-discovery, I think I might let my mustache grow.