By Radclilffe U. Hall
You know that girl from high school, your group of friends, work or the post office. The one, that no matter how cool you think you might be, her presence renders you a drooling, pervy loser. She flirts with you and makes constant sexual innuendoes. She dangles the thought of making out with you, if she is drunk off enough coolers. She doesn’t seem to mind when you stare at her like a serial killer and lamely compliment her leggings. Accomplishing anything intimate becomes the highlight of the week, ahead of your new rollerblades and gold fanny pack. This girl is unfortunately, straight.
For me, that girl was blonde, athletic and spunky. She went to Sunnydale High and her best friend was a nerd named Willow. She also fought vampires in her free time. Basically, she represented the lesbian Holy Grail. You might also remember that many have perished on their quest for said Grail. Like explorers or that guy from Indiana Jones. The main reason for the unending journey is probably the fact that the Holy Grail is impossible to attain. But lesbians love a challenge almost as much as they love trucks. So despite the numerous dangers of wanting that girl, you still think that with enough assistance (alcohol) you can find that Grail and fuck the shit out of it. And then cuddle it. And then make it breakfast.
Sometimes, actually all the time, it is hard to decipher the straight girl’s true motive. Does she even like you? Is she bored? Is she gay? Does she just want attention? Is she involved in some kind of bet? How do you find out what she wants without writing her haikus and stealing her diary? Unfortunately I have not succeeded in deducing these answers. But I do have a couple of steps up my sleeve that might help.
Number one: Let her know what you want. For example, when Buffy and I were in gym class I would alternate between pumping heavy iron in front of her and rubbing up against her during basketball. But don’t be a spaz. Once you’ve shown the straight girl that you like her biblically you have to be cool.
Number two: Be cool. When I would pass Buffy in the graveyard after class I would give her a simple nod. Cool.
Number three: Make sure she actually knows what you want. At our local club The Bronze, I would always make sure to buy Buffy her first drink. And then I capped it off with compliments on her new leather pants. By then she knew what I had in mind for her and she knew that I was an exciting new option compared to the guys at school. By this point you’ve shown her what you’ve got, you’ve fully displayed how cool you are and you’ve let her know you mean business. But before you seal the deal you have to show her that you are sensitive.
Number four: Be sensitive! I found that Buffy responded well to my sensual womanly touch. I had a fool proof equation. 1 kiss on the forehead + 50 butterfly kisses on the cheek x facial caressing = anal sex on the first date.
While I’ve never actually used those steps on a real straight girl I’m confident that they will be successful. But you also can’t forget that these girls are really hit and miss. They can either turn out to be your long time girlfriend and mother of your adopted asian babies or they will spray paint “dyke” on your locker and pelt eggs at your house. Either way you have to make a bold move! And as for Buffy, it didn’t quite work out. She was kind of self-involved and focused on more important aspects of her life. But I will always think of her as the one that got away.