by Radcliffe U. Hall
Summer is the time of the year when people get to do all of those sexy things they can’t do in the winter. Or more specifically, the sun makes them more motivated to do them. Like shaving their legs every other day instead of once a month. Or attempting to make their feet appear clean and polished as opposed to crusty and a welcoming home for lint and fungus. Normally, I like to spend the summer doing yard work and attending to the hair of my cat. But this year I have decided that I will do as all the other people do; that is, I will work hard to bring out the utmost sexiness in myself.

Generally I rarely go out in the summer as my skin burns badly and I have to be given a milk bath. But when I do go out into the sun I have observed that its rays increase hormone levels, which in turn decreases the amount of clothing on human specimens. I have also noticed that the summer allows people to throw their inhibitions to the wind and perfect the art of romance. For instance, I once witnessed a goofy, but attractive young girl who disguised herself as her twin brother in order to play soccer and win the heart of the team’s chiseled captain. Another time, I saw that same captain, from the wrong side of the tracks, join an elite dancing academy to win the heart of a not goofy, but attractive young dancer. As you can see the summer is the time for romance. And I, for one, no longer want to be watching from the sidelines.

I felt that my first step to reaching my sexy potential – and, in turn, winning the heart of a fair lady – was to purchase a bathing costume from Bikini Village. For most of my life I was completely content to wear a pair of shorts and an oversized sports bra on the occasion that I needed to interact with water. I couldn’t understand why so many people would spend large sums of money on minimal fabric with animal prints or strings with jewels. At the time I failed to notice that these people were investing their money in sexiness! My black hiking uniform placed me in the depths of sexual poverty. And I am no longer content with that  lifestyle. In the course of one hour I purchased a trendy white halter bikini with giant red flowers on it. And since red is the colour of passion it was an easy choice to improve my womanly appeal.

Among my observations of the young, socially attractive female body,  “natural” is not a word I would use to describe it. I would, however, use the word hairless, orange, smooth and dyed. I am none of those things. I do have hair. My skin is more of an off-white colour. I have some rough patches. And I have been a brunette without the assistance of chemicals for my entire life. As my second step, I decided to change all of those things and become a normal citizen of summer. I booked an appointment for a manicure, pedicure and full body wax. To say the least, it was excruciating. I also booked an appointment to have a man style and cut my hair. To say the least, that was boring and uncomfortable. But, through these treatments, I realized that the modern woman must invest her comfort and stimulation in order to achieve maximum sexiness.

With my stylish new bob and hairless bum I was ready to tackle step three:  look for romance. I decided that I had to find a prime location that would allow me to display my newly polished lesbian physique and uncover a similar hairless, trendy babe. That ruled out a few of my favourite spots: the library, the subway, and the sewing studio. I then frequented a number of locations I thought would be perfect only to discover that they were indeed inappropriate.  For example, I scoped out a high school softball game in an effort to find a girl that was athletic. Unfortunately, being neither a student of the school nor a parent of a player, I just looked like a weirdo in a bikini. Identical results were found at the local beer festival, despite the fact that I brought along a matching beach towel. Just as I had given up hope of ever finding romance after a debacle at the patio of my favourite Irish pub, I decided to drop into the neighborhood travel bookstore where I work part time. This is where my multiple investments finally cashed in.

I had only been in the store for a couple of minutes before my boss asked me if I could do him a huge favour and help out an eager new customer. I was startled in the midst of adjusting my bikini top by the vision before me. Even in sunglasses I could tell that this eager new customer was none other than…a young, sexy, British super famous starlet (who must remain nameless do to a confidentiality agreement I have signed). The British starlet immediately complimented my giant red flowers and asked if I could help her find a good guide book for Toronto.  I chose a number of winning titles and helped her cash out.  Despite my vow to actively find romance, I was in such a frightened state of shock I couldn’t even string together audible words.  I was so disgusted with myself and my inability to embrace summer sexiness that I bought a plastic tetrapack of wine and drank it on my way home. Through a miracle of summer fate I stumbled into that very same young, sexy, British super famous starlet and spilled the remaining red wine all over her chest. She was angry for a minute before my sexual aura managed to calm her down and convince her that my nearby apartment would be a great place to clean up. And there is where my super sexy summer romance begins! We had sex.