By Radcliffe U. Hall
Just the other day I had splurged many months rent on a new piece of furniture. It was a work of art made by a local street genius; an expertly hand crafted carpet jungle gym for my cat. She had been moody ever since I decided to stop walking her in life endangering snow storms. I thought that this purchase would provide her with needed exercise and a chipper demeanor. The problem was that it took up fifty percent of my bedroom, meaning I had to get rid of my Great Grandmother’s antique armoire.  

In a desperate attempt to sell this family jewel, I posted yellow flyers on ten telephone polls in my neighborhood. Within a week, a young gentleman showed up at my door desiring to claim this jewel for himself. We engaged in a fierce round of bartering but eventually he had to crumble and bought it for thirty dollars. I felt bad so I threw in a deck of cards, some candles and a Diet Pepsi for the road. 

It was at that moment, as a flipped through my three newly acquired ten dollar bills, that I thought I could get used to this. I could finally sell my old bicycle, my crusty series of Judy Blume books, maybe even my rusted Tuba. And then it dawned on me: I could technically sell myself!  

I didn’t want to waste any time so I went straight to the fastest communication tool in recent memory: the amazing World Wide Web. At least ninety-eight percent of my friends have met their wives, girlfriends, dates, one night stands, and stalkers through this magical tool. All of these people eventually became permanent fixtures in each others’ lives either as longtime friends or mortal enemies. This is how lesbians were created. Without the internet, the lesbian community would literally consist of three biker chicks drinking kegs of beer. 

So I opened the window of my soul up to the Net; to welcoming waves, flirty chatting, sexy banter and possibly many rotten eggs. Just as Great Grandmother Hall’s armoire found a young gentleman, my heart would find a sexy schoolgirl. Or a naughty nurse. Or a homeless woman.  

In just a couple of hours at my local library I had created numerous dynamite profiles. It was integral that I display all of my talents so as to hit as many different chicks as possible. First I made a Myspace music profile to show off my impressive Tuba playing. And then I crafted brilliant profiles for womanline, downelink, match.com, craigslist and eharmony. My profiles were Richter scale hits, with the exception of eharmony which flagged me as a homosexual witch.  

I owe my success in the previous arenas to my knowledge of how to word the perfect profile. For instance, if your favourite movie is Love and Basketball DO NOT, under any circumstance, say that your favourite movie is Love and Basketball. Instead, say that you only like watching Gia. Also, it is always safe to say that you are a vegetarian. You will appear compassionate about animal rights and a healthy do-gooder. If you have crippling self doubt and a disastrously appalling dating record, you should say that you are “now ready for a mature relationship without any games”. It’s also advisable to say that you “don’t want no drama!”. If you are a person who hates running, reads Maxim and primarily eats take-out then you should say you are an avid hiker, who only reads Nietzsche and loves to cook. Furthermore, if you occasionally hear voices in your head and take medication for it, you should definitely say that you are an artistic and creative soul.  

The great thing about lesbians is the hyperspeed at which they fall in love. One mention of the clever construction of Moulin Rouge and a cute smile, all those tiny lies on your profile will cease to exist. They will be so blinded by love that you can safely go back to eating steaks and reading Maxim and they will accept you “for who you are”.  

At the end of the day, this is me.

Welcome to my soul: 

Name: Radcliffe U. Hall

Age: Mature twentysomething

About Me: I am funny. I enjoy sensual walks through Kensington Market on Sunday mornings, spontaneous late night chats at Seven West and casually strolling through art galleries on Saturday afternoons. I am a devoted pacifist with a love for worldly religions and traveling, and I make my own scarves.

Likes: foreign films, argyle, sushi, knitting, cats, kittens, carpentry, butterfly kisses, plumbing, meditation, hammers, vegetables, rock climbing, slam poetry, self reflection, peanut butter

Books: The Art of War, the writings of Margaret Atwood, the Biography of Gandhi, Ramona Quimby Age Eight

Movies: My Summer of Love, Lost and Delirious, A League of Their Own, Star Wars, The Aristocats

Music: John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Ani DiFranco, B44, K.D. Lang

Who I Want to Meet: Asian girls. Though it is only a preference – I am open to all types of love. I am ready for a serious relationship with a serious woman. 

As you can see, I certainly covered all of my bases and I expect to have at least sixty hot cyber sexual encounters. But before that, I must sort through my inbox of 700+ eager potential dates. Lesbians are so easily fooled!