On the subway ride home from a long night of pulling tricks, I like to take a look at the ads. In between being invited for games of quidditch by Dalhousie and the TTC trying to tell us how great they are (btdubs, TTC: you’re not), I keep noticing ads for this show called "Bromance". Brody Jenner is trying to find a new "brofriend". Now, I try to not watch MTV because I (unlike maybe some of the readers here) am not a 15 year old girl. I have, however, seen some clips of this show on some more… adult websites. The elimination ceremonies take place in a hot tub! In one clip, the bros walk in on Bro(dy) showering and just chat with him as if that’s a totally normal thing to do. Sidenote, dude has a seriously nice body. Although I think he must be a complete douche (who tattoos their name on either side of their torso?) I would give him the hate-fuck of his life. Moving on… This show is gayest shit I have ever seen. Not having any male friends, I’m not sure. Is this normal brohaviour? Are bros gayer than the gays? Let’s examine the evidence.
There’s a reason they show this bro favourite at gay bars. It’s completely and utterly homoerotic. Actually, it’s borderline gay porn! Legs wrapped around bodies, men clutching each other… And the men are ultra masculine. Hot bodies, most of them have chest hair and a few scars. All but the most persnickity of gays will tell you that is incredibly hot. Think about that the next time your boyfriend wants to watch because it’s just "so brutal and raw".
In all fairness, I’ve never really seen the inner sanctum of Lambda Lambda Lambda or whatever. That said, here’s what the four hundred plus gay porn websites I visit have to say about it: college guys live together in a house, drink too much one night and talk about how horny they both are… more beers, and bam! boner central. Bow-chica-wow-wow… I’m willing to assume real life frat life is a touch less gay than that. But I wonder how many times you can play "skins" (read: shirtless) ultimate frisbee with the brahs before accidentally touching something. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Keys To The VIP
Have you seen this douche festival? It’s not the first weekend of every summer, that’s just the annual Bay Street Festival. No no, this is a show where bros go up to girls at Richmond St bars and try to pick them up to show to other men how much game they have. Could be me, but if I were getting "poontang" with my mad skillz, I wouldn’t need to go on some Canadian TV show to prove my manliness. Overcompensating, anyone?
Girl, You Better Work
Gays and bros have startlingly similar modes of dress. Now, gays are likely copying the bros in an attempt to feign some sort of masculinity or attract the type of guy who calls himself "straight-acting". (I want to pummel those self hating fucks with every fiber of my being… does that make me macho, or… dare I say it, a bro?) But still. Abercrombie shirts, flip-flops, button up shirts from American Eagle, seashell necklaces. If you’re walking down neutral territory like Yonge St (we share ownership with straights; Church is ours and Richmond is yours) how am I to tell who’s who? I guess I’ll just go for the standard gay greeting of a nice dick grab.
All The Gay Shit They Do
Do you know what teabagging is? Every dude does. You dip your balls onto someone’s face repeatedly, much like a teabag. Bromo sapiens think this is hilarious to do when someone is passed out after drinking too many Jaeger bombs. You know what else they do? Draw dicks all over someone’s face. The funniest variation of this is the penis directed into a mouth with come pointing to the mouth. Obvs. And I can’t even count the number of pictures I’ve seen on Facebook and otherwise (read: porn sites) of half (or fully) naked dudes at parties… Ten shirtless dudes in a room reads pretty darn gay to me! And while you’re on the interwebs, search YouTube for either "banana eating" or "gay chicken" and you will see the stuff homo dreams are made of. (They’re made of unicorns and rainbows, incidentally)
While I’m sure they would all vociferously deny any gay anythings, the brosephs, moreso than the emo straights or even the hipster straights, are probably the gayest of gay subsection of straight dudes. Take that you fags! See you taking over all the used to be gay venues on Queen West soon… Oh wait, you already did that.