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An imperfect life guide for women
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Winter Love Land

Radcliffe U. Hall quotes Robert Frost:

“My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year. “

Most people see the summer as the sexy season. Girls go wild in Cancun, take off their tops and play beach volleyball. They become obsessed with wetting themselves with sprinklers, water guns and hoses. Dehydration and sunstroke causes them to make irrational, sexy decisions. While this is certainly true, I am at my utmost sexiness in the winter. The summer does not provide me with a honey-glazed tan; instead, I develop the skin of a baboon’s ass with an excessive rash. My upper lip is constantly sweaty and sweater vests stick to my skin. This is not appealing. The winter, however, provides me with all the opportunities to look my best. For one, turtlenecks cling to my body in all the right places. Two, Christmas sweaters are not only fun for the eyes but never go out of style. And thirdly, Long Johns constrict my legs in a secret, kinky way. But clothes are not the only things that make the winter an alluring season; it also provides countless sexy activities for that special someone. Or just yourself.

1. SNOWBALL FIGHT

People don’t tend to notice that the texture of snow is actually very sensual. It melts in your hands and pools in your crevices. If it ends up in your mouth, it often dribbles out seductively. The molding of the perfect snowball is a tactile experience, one that allows you to use your hands in creative ways. The motions involved in this creation are rolling, rubbing, and sculpting. Snow is also fabulous ammunition for an arousing a game of playful wrestling; just like that moving scene in Dumb and Dumber. The general idea that lesbians are angry is entirely true, but during a snowball fight that anger escalates into passionate desire.

2. ICE FISHING

The smell of fish is very calming to most lesbians. While it has yet to be proven why this is, the scent of marine life tends to drive lesbians wild. The act of ice fishing is the perfect combination of nature and patience. Women love the feeling of anticipation. The waiting and expecting makes them want you more. The hours it takes to catch a fish stimulates women carnally. The satisfaction of catching, cleaning and gutting the fish is heightened by the aromas around you. The sense of accomplishment is then rewarded with humping to keep your bodies warm.

3. SLEIGH RIDES

Sleigh rides are incredibly romantic. They allow you to cuddle and re-enact scenes from Little Women. The three main reasons as to why sleigh rides are adored by lesbians and children are: they like to be warm, the scenery is reminiscent of a Bob Ross masterpiece, and horses are majestic. There are very few modes of transportation that allow you and your loved one to catch snowflakes on your tongue. The process of condensation that occurs is both titillating and unique. Since each snowflake is different, each experience will bring you a new tingle. Besides the obvious appeal of all of these things, sleigh rides are also a great way to solidify your relationship. When you are stuck in a carriage for a long period of time you have time to discuss the many aspects of your relationship. You might also see foxes!

4. SNOW ANGELS

I am not a religious person but I am definitely spiritual. Relationships are an important part of life, but ultimately nothing is more important that yourself. Snow angels are a profound way to connect and meditate with your inner thoughts. It is also is a good exercise. When you are finished making angels in the snow your body is relaxed, your mind is at peace and your core is energized. There are very few summer games that accomplish all of the above. Also, they look pretty.

Sure, the summer is a fun, awesome time. But I think I have fully illustrated why the winter is the perfect season for seduction. You still might get excited by the notion of sand and ice cream, but you cannot deny that when the temperature drops significantly, your romantic thermometer rises. Just remember that when you are cursing the cold weather and the snow, these intense love opportunities will be missed when it all melts away.

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