I want to rant about the way homos dress in the city. Let me preface this by saying that I have no delusions of thinking I’m a fashion plate or could do any better whatsoever. In fact, I look pretty terrible just about everywhere I go. Like a train wreck caused by a natural disaster. It’s just, as a gay man, I enjoy bitching. Today’s commentary is on some common types of gay along the Church strip or in Queen West.

a)        The muscle boys. Alright. I get it. You have muscles. You needn’t buy your shirts in the children’s section to make them tighter. I know it’s hard to pack a whole new bar outfit into your gym bag but could you please put away the white sock/sports shoe/cargo shorts combo? That is what my dad wears when he travels. He also has a fanny pack. And if you’re going to wear a sleeveless shirt, why do you have to purchase it that way? Wouldn’t it be easier, more manly, and sexier to tear the sleeves off yourself either through brute force or with your sewing shears? Finally, I say, if your neck is as wide or wider than your head, it’s time to stop working out.

b)      The fashion boys. Your neck must be freezing in this bar because even though your coat is off, you know you’re still wearing your scarf? Oh. That’s on purpose. I will give the fashion boys this, their outfits seem comfy! From the wide toes on their shoes, up the roomy legs of their jeans, to the amount of give in their vest, these guys are swimming in comfort. And where ever did you get your $800 Louis Vuitton fanny pack that you so cleverly wear as a shoulder clutch? It’s a wise investment, especially when you’ve got all the credit cards paid up and rates are as low as they are. The perfect way to celebrate all this spare cash? Spending $8 for a shitty flavoured martini in a crowded lounge? How’d you ever guess?

c)       The frat boys. You know who you are. You’re like the muscle boys, but not as big. Probably not as old either. Or as interesting. Yeah, I know that you just naturally love sports and the outdoors. You were probably never picked on when you were in elementary school because you can throw/catch a ball. Awesome, brah. Could you be any more straight? Do you love Fall Out Boy and wear a backwards baseball cap? Do you hang out with your straight friends because “my sexuality isn’t even an issue”? Do you have any gay identity left besides loving cock? I guess sports are pretty gay when you think about it… Hitting the showers, pats on the bums, homoerotic play names… Ultimate Fighting. Anyway, Abercrombie is having a sale, so I should probably get going.

d)     Hipster boys. You are so unique. Where did you get those skinny Levis, white Chucks, plaid shirt, vintage belt, RayBan Wayfarers and ironic t-shirt? Oh, Urban Outfitters? BT Dubs, the irony of your Die Yuppie Scum shirt was not lost on me. Yuppies suck, they should die, let’s all buy the shirt they produced at 80% markup! Take that, society! Listen, let’s meet up at the Beaver and you and I can discuss your ironic mustache over organic eggs. It looks really good with some Gauloises. What’s that? You’re thirsty? That’s perfect, because I’ve got some well chilled 50, PBR and Lakeports for you. Later we can go listen to the latest indie band at the Dakota and talk about how much better and less commercial the west end used to be.  

e)      The boys who frequent The Social require their own category. When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself, what will look best? I’ve got it! Purple neon glasses (no lenses), porkpie hat, suspenders under PLO scarf, tight t-shirt that cost $80 bucks (silkscreened American Apparel), legging style jeans with the crotch somewhere 8-9 inches below actual crotch, and either Chucks or some huge Dreamcoat coloured pair of kicks from Get Outside. Originality embodied!

f)     The Goth/Leather crowd. Not my cup of tea, but I appreciate their boldness. They know that shit they’re wearing ain’t popular, and still, come Saturday, they’re all out at the Eagle living it up. More power to you I say!
 
Anyway, I’ve got to go but you’ll see me out later tonight.
I’ll be the one with the huge muscles, vest, Abercrombie hat, skinny jeans, bright shoes, and ALL leather underneath.
See you there!