Gay or straight, the one thing that unites males (besides having unhealthy relationships with their mothers) is a universal lack of understanding of women. Dames, gals, broads, chicks, skirts, girls, ladies; those with vaginas. Even I, as a gay with literally dozens of (imaginary) girlfriends, have only the most cursory understanding of what makes the girlies tick. Being that I’ve got this forum that I’m told chicks read, I thought it would be the perfect place to pose some questions for the betterment of all mankind. And believe me, we could use some improvement.

Question the First:
Why do girls cry on a night out and then continue to drink and/or cry?
This is maybe a more apt question to the unimaversity gals out there, but… let me harken back to my university days. I went to Western (Go Mustangs!) and lived in Saugeen. As such, it offered me many an opportunity for drunken shenanigans with the ladies on my floor. I got ready for that in high school by surreptitiously drinking all the Mike’s Hard (very manly, yes) I could get my hands on. What I was not prepared for, however, was the shitstorm of chick hormones about to rain down on me. I remember one night, out at the Spoke (the better London one, not that terrible Toronto patio one) a girlfriend of mine started crying. Over a dude? As is my recollection. Rather than just leave though, said girlfriend exlaimed multiple times “I’m fine!” and then got more drinks. This cycle continued a few times until we all went home. So, let me ask you girls: what’s the deal with that?

Question the Second:
Why do you like the worst TV shows?
My mom, my friends, the ladies at the office, the dental assistants…. All over this fair city, I hear womens talking about what happened on The Hills like it was happening to their best friends. Little Miss X-Rated made me watch an episode of Gray’s Anatomy once. The whole time, she was explaining who Izzy was and why she was totally in love with that dude who came out, and why McSteamdreamboat liked the chick the show was named after. Do go on! And always with the reality shows! Survivor stopped being good twenty seasons ago. Ditto for ANTM, Project Runway, etc. And all of the dancing shows? Dancing with the blank. Don’t we get enough dance content in all the dance specific movies? She truly *Can* Move. And, much like Missy Elliott, I do want Honey. I Stepped Up twice.

Question Numero Tres:
Do you like nice guys or assholes?
Basically I feel like it’s whoever you’re not with. Most all girls I know will say personality counts (cough — bullshit — cough) but when they’ve got a nice funny guy, invariably he’s too safe or boring. Then, there’s some douche asshole who treats you badly and all your friends hate (from what I overhear re: question two, Spencer from The Hills is like that), you can’t get enough! Now, this is a problem I can also get into because I like dudes. My theory is that we all want someone who is a jerk to everyone else (at least sort of) but treats us nicely. This makes us think we’re special and… insert psychobabble here.

Question Shick Quattro:
Just what do you do in the bathroom together?
I’m guessing it’s tickle fights in your bra and panties. That, or coke. Am I even in the ballpark? For all I know I guess you could be doing math problems in there…

Next week, questions girls ask me (and by extension, all gays) all the fucking time.