Those without dicks, or those with dicks without the burning desire to put other dicks in their various orifices, have varying degrees of understanding of male gaydom. Some, your fag hags, your Margaret Cho’s of the world, tend to know what rimjobs are and the fact that gays fucking love brunch. Others, your straight frat-type dudes, have about as much understanding of homos as they do of a-line dresses. (A lot?) This week, in an effort to close that gap in knowledge, I thought I’d respond to some typical queer(haha!)ies I get from some gal-pals and some straighties. Tit for tat (two in a row!) for last week.

Who Is The Girl In Your Relationship?
Ummmm, there isn’t one. We’re two dudes. But peeps are often concerned with putting people into boxes (gays stay far away from those — zing!), and yes, many gay relationships have a top and a bottom, or a more butch one and a more feminine one. However, this is most definitely not always the case as I know some screaming queens who are paired up and some guys so straight you could barely tell they both love cock. There’s also plenty o’gays who pretty much never have ass sex.

What? You Don’t Have Anal All The Time?
That shit takes time! Barely anyone I know goes home on the first date and does it in the butt. This is confusing to heteros, because sex to them equals penetration. But unless you’re rolling on meth, you’re probably not going to bring home the guy and immediately demand he stick it in your ass. Typically, the younger you are, the less likely it is to happen, as younger gays seem to be much more puritanical than their older counterparts. Abstinence rules!

OK, Fine, You Don’t Do It In The Ass All The Time. But You Always Switch Hit, Right?
No. Plenty of gays claim they’re only tops, that is, only do the boning. Others (I would guess at least 65% of gays) are bottoms and would rather be boned. Why? I don’t know. But it’s true. Those homersexuals who say they’re versatile might be, but I would say they’re probably bottoms who will top every now and again. Gotta keep your gay sex interesting!

Do You Want To Come Shopping With Me?
No.

Why Not?
Because it’s fucking boring. Believe it or not, not all gays are into women’s fashion, sex lives, and generally being a good listener for their lady friends. Some of us just want to shop alone, or better yet, fuck the shopping and sit around at home in our underwear eating chips (see future column: Why Can’t I Get A Date?).

It Must Be So Great Being Able To Have So Much Sex, Isn’t It?
I can count the number of times I’ve had sex this year on one hand. Even if that hand were horribly mauled in a bear trap and I lost three fingers, I could still count. That is a myth for most gays, especially, as mentioned earlier, the younger, more sex shy gays. There are of course plenty who go to bathhouses… Those ads on the subway for Steamworks? It’s not just a gentleman’s only gym. You can do some pretty nasty shit there. Or so I’ve heard. I’m shy. Even if I were getting offers of hot anonymous sex everywhere I went, I think it’s safe to say I wouldn’t be taking people up on them. Unless I was really drunk and they told me I was pretty.

I Know This Gay Dude You Should Totally Meet, Can I Set You Up?
Sure. I’m desperate. But keep in mind that just because this dude loves boners doesn’t mean I will get along with him. I can’t even count how many friends have told me their friend was perfect for me, only to meet him and realize that we have nothing in common physically or socially. Once, I was at a bar and this straight guy begged me to go to the bar and meet the gay bartender. No thanks, I kept repeating. Finally, I learned he was trying to pimp me out because the bartender had given them free shots. I get up there, and the bartender is like, you’re nice and all, but I have a boyfriend. He didn’t have any interest. The guy just thought, Oh, a gay plus another gay equals sparks (or flames?). Grrr, straight men!

So being gay, as you can clearly tell, is not all delicious bon mots and juicy innuendo… Although at our weekly meetings, the witty quips do fly fast and fabulous!