I just got back from vacation. Holler, at a pina colader! Between reading shitty celeb tabloids and daytime drinking, I got to thinking, it’s weird how every sunny vacation boils down to the same essentials. The same crap drinks (anyone order a double off-label rum and diet?) and the same crowd of peeps around the pool. Being Torontonians, we’re likely to go to the same ocean… One of those islands in the Caribbean and an all inclusive with questionable fare. But what I noticed was the most similar was how every resort/spa/hotel has the exact same archetypes of people. And here they are…

The Girl You Have Decided To Hate For No Reason
In my case, this bitch who was across the pool from me every day just rubbed me the wrong way. She wore jewlery to the fucking pool. She had a Vuitton (probably fake) tote for her pool shit. And get this… One day, her boyfriend or brother convinces her to go into the pool. To her, the water might as well have been acid because every inch into the water was torture for her. "If you splash me, I am out of here". Now, granted, I’m not down with being splashed either, but there was no inkling of an imminent splashing whatsoever. So finally, after ten minutes of "OMFG it’s soooooo cold!", she gets in. Then, she can’t get her precious hair wet! Still no splashing, but holy fuck, watch out if her hair gets wet. She swam in the most precious way ever, just trying to keep that darn hair dry. Because the most important thing on family vacations is looking good. Wait, maybe I did have reason to hate her.

The Dude You Lust After
As is well documented by these articles, I have a thing for older mens. There was this one guy, a dad, who had the fucking nicest body. A little chest hair, some nice man titties (or pecs, I suppose), and he always wore sunglasses. I’ve also talked about how sunglasses make you look hot because they cover half your face. Every time brother walked his kids around the pool or whatever, I would do a 180, or 360, and basically gawk at his whole sexy walk. We gays have never been known for our subtlety. And of course, there were others, but thank god for island vacations where it’s totally appropriate to walk around half naked from 9 – 5. And like Dolly Parton, homeboy was working! What a way to make a living…

The Random Hotel Employee You Love
And they always work at the bar. First day you get there, you go down to the little bar… Some coconuts abound, you hear maybe some Jimmy Buffet or Marley… And the first cocktail goes down. Then twelve more. After all, you’re on vacation. At some point, (usually after you’ve tipped him $20), the guy pours your drinks a little more liberally. Then, two days later, you insist on ordering all your drinks from this guy. Then, when you all go out to the fancy restaurant at the hotel, you drink a fuckload and take twenty pictures with the guy. His off-colour jokes about your lady friends never seem inappropriate either…

Your New Resort Buddy/ies
You meet in the bar on the first or second night. Almost always, the reason you become friends is… "You’re Canadian? Get the fuck out! I’m Canadian! Don’t Americans suck?". You all order the hotels signature fruity cocktails, because it’s totally not gay if you’re somewhere with a beach. Then, one of you talks about (or is it aboot) how Canadians can "totally drink so much" and go for shots. But for serious, shots are always a good idea on an island. Eventually it devolves into you guys singing aforementioned Jimmy Buffet and Bob Marley at the top of your lungs and dancing to shitty top forty on the special dancefloor (it’s got a multicoloured disco ball light!!!). I guess that’s not too different from an average night out at London Taphouse.

So, vacation was awesome. I’m tanned, the weather in Toronna is getting warm, and it’s looking like it’s gonna be a great spring. I can’t be the only one thinking about how many patios I’m going to get incredibly drunk on this summer. And for the recession concious, O’Grady’s on Church has fucking four dollar caesars on Saturday afternoons. (I totally don’t work there). Over and out (or is it oot?)!