Despite the fact that I have the body of a forty year old and the curmudgeonly attitude of a ninety year old, I still happen to have the sense of humour of a twelve year old boy. Basically, that means I still find swearing hilarious, especially weird sex words. Now, you know as well as I know, in this post Two Girls One Cup world we live in, there ain’t much one can say to shock or appall. That said, some of the phrases in this list are pretty horrifying, if only because their mere existence means someone has taken time to think of these and then name them. Thanks, God, for UrbanDictionary.com. I remember when the days before the internet, when we had to find out dirty words on the playground. Ah, simpler times.

Now, there’s the realm of words that are possible, words that are clearly fake, and all the ones to do with shit. I leave it up to you whether they are possible or not.

Possible Real Sex Acts

Rusty Trombone
You give your guy an hj while giving him a good ol’ rj. If you have to contemplate what an rj is, I’m going to say you’re probably not the rj giving type. Gays, on the other hand, are all about these, so at least in homo-world, I would say the Rusty Trombone is a definite sex act. Hope he doesn’t play a sour note! (Cue trumpet… wah-wah)

Dirty Sanchez
Now, I would say that no self-respecting man or woman would let anyone do this to them, but again, we’re living in a post Two Girls, One Cup world here. That, and our main dork from Bayside High, Screech, made a horrifying sex tape in which (I’m told at least, the ubiquity of porn on the internet today means you don’t have to look at celebrity sex tapes like one might have back when Pam and Tommy made theirs, plus… barf) he gives his gal a Dirty Sanchez. For those who don’t know, a DS is a poo mustache, essentially. What an age we live in. Of course, file this one under poo related sex acts as well.

Golden Showers
It was in Sex And The City for fuck’s sake! Remember when Don Draper’s boss (I think he’s the mayor or something in SATC) is dating Carrie, and he wants her to pee on him? R Kelly? Dave Chappelle doing R Kelly? And I won’t bore you with the vast array of gay porn (and I imagine straight) dedicated solely to people peeing on each other.

Never Happened, Ever

Donkey Punch
When you’re banging your lady (or dude), just before you’re about to cum, you punch her (or him) in the back of the head so whatever hole you’re in tenses up. Come on. Sweet Jesus, I hope to god no one has ever done this.

Angry Dragon
At least I hope to fuck these never happen. Whatever kind of weird misogynistic douche sits around coming up with these… I just don’t know. Anyway, you cum in the guy/girl’s mouth, then, you judo chop them in the throat so they choke on it and it comes out their nose, somehow making them look like a dragon? Holy fuck! Please tell me this has never happened.

Abe Lincoln
Ok, back to funny ones. The amount of planning this would take must mean a dude is really committed to the joke. First, shave your pubes. Then, have those pubes at the ready for the next time you’re getting a beej. I don’t know, maybe store them in a ziploc bag beside your bed? Then, after you’ve come all over your partners face, take those pubes and blow them onto said partners face. Then — and here’s where it gets funny, they totally look like Abe Lincoln! Ka-zam! Take that, person who just put their mouth on my penis! That will teach you a valuable lesson to never do that again. Also, my friends on Urban Dictionary tell me that you can do this to your unconscious friends. Another article for another time about how straight dudes are incredibly fucking gay.

Shit Related

There are so many I will save you my juicy bon mots for another time and just give you a quick explanation. These could also exclusively fit into the category of "Never Happened, Ever", but holy fuck some of them are so ridiculous you can’t help but laugh. Here we go, in alphabetical order. Don’t read this section if you’re squeamish.

Blumpkin
Giving a beej while the dude is taking a dump, or, if you Google it and are feeling lucky, "pinching off a loaf".

Boston Pancake
You shit on their chest, flatten out the poo so it looks like the world’s most disgusting pancake, then you jizz on it and that’s the syrup.

Chili Dog
First, poop on her boobs, then, titty fuck the boobs. Classic chili dog.

Cleveland Steamer
I’ve read two definitions, both involving shitting on the other persons chest. One is where you do that, then use your ass to go back and forth, and "steamroll" it in there. The other says that because it’s fresh poo, it’s steamy. Also, apparently, you use this to break up with someone? Text message breakups never sounded better!

Glass Bottom Boat
Lie underneath a coffee table (glass of course) and then watch the other person take a poop above you. I guess this is the least gross of all the poop sex acts.

Hot Karl
Shit into a sock, then smack someone on the face with it. Dur.

Hot Lunch
Apparently, you use plastic wrap in this one, and shit into the persons mouth. Varying definitions say you then get a blowjob with this new poo filled plastic wrap and cum through the wrap, giving the person a hot lunch? Mother of god, who thinks of these things?

Wow, there are so many poop related sex words, you’d think it was funny or something.

Now go, spread these around the playground and I promise next week’s article will be decidely less disgusting. But please, if you have any I missed, leave them in the comments section. I want to impress Jimmy Connors from Mrs. Holloway’s class, and he always comes to recess with the funniest sex words.