Every gay has an arsenal of some pretty great hags to take out dancing, go shopping, enjoy the theatre, etc. I am certainly no exception. I love all my gal-pals (who, by the way, I prefer to simply call friends, but for the purposes of this article I will refer to as ‘hags’…) and we have a great time together doing all the gay shit my straight male friends would cringe at. But what about the important people: The celebrities? What about them? And who would this fag love to make his hag?

a) Margaret Cho
Korean American comedienne Notorious C.H.O. is fucking hilarious. A self proclaimed fag-hag herself, she has a self-deprecating sense of humour that is so in line with a gay man’s she talks often about how she thinks she’s a homo born in a woman’s body. One major fan favourite is her impression of her Korean mother, who often insinuates the younger Cho is gay too. Voicemail message: ‘Are you gay? Because only gays screen phone calls.’ She dated Quentin Tarantino, who had a guest spot on her incredibly short lived ‘All American Girl’, based loosely on her life. Buy one of her DVDs and see how hard you are laughing. Bitch is fucking awesome and I would love to party with her.

b) Lindsay Lohan
Now, I don’t know how much of a hag she is, but if her propensity towards loving cock is anything like mine, I think we would get along fine. How awesome would it be to spend all night doing recreational drugs, drinking Veuve, braiding each others hair and talking about boys? Now there’s a sleepover I could get down with.

c) Ina Garten
Ina is Food Network’s host of Barefoot Contessa, one of their best cooking shows. She cooks with butter and loves pastry and strong drinks. For real! One of her recipes will call for a cup of one booze, a cup of another, and then, like a half a lemon (don’t forget the zest!). Girl has so, so, so many homos coming over to play bridge and have drinks. Watch the show. Every other episode, she’s making a meal for one of her fabulous gay friends, who has a house in the Hamptons, one in NYC, and a convertible BMW. I don’t know if I want her to be my friend or my matchmaker.

d) Nicole Richie
See Lindsay Lohan. Of course, now that she’s a mom she’s probably not nearly as much fun. Yes, what I’m saying is that motherhood makes you boring.

e) Salt N Pepa
Is it just Salt? Just Pepa? Who would I really want to spend time with? Spinderella? Whatevs. Yeah, they’re kind of shitty now and they have been on way too many reality shows, but shit, these are the girls who wrote: ‘ ‘Oooh, how you doin’ baby? No. Not you. You, the bow-legged one. Yeah. What’s your name? Damn, that sounds sexy! Here I go, here I go, here I go again, girls what’s my weakness? MEN!’ and… ‘You’re packed and you’re stacked, ‘specially in the back, brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that. Can I get some fries with that shake-shake booty? If looks could kill you would be an uzi. You’re a shotgun, bang! What’s up with that thing? I want to know, how does it hang? Straight up – wait up – hold up, Mr. Lover. Like Prince said, you’re a sexy mother–. Well, I like ’em real wild, b-boy style by the mile, smooth black skin with a smile. Bright as the sun, wanna have some fun, come and give me some of that yum yum chocolate chip, honey dip, can I get a scoop? Baby, take a ride in my coupe, you make me wanna SHOOP.’ ‘Nuff said.

f) Britney Spears
I know girlfriend is crazy or whatever, but she drives an SL65 and has sweet hair. We could trade stories about the shit we’d do if Justin Timberlake had any interest in us whatsoever. Incidentally, one of my favourite pastimes is walking around gas stations without shoes. Match made in heaven!

Let me end by saying that as fucking killer as it would be to party with these bitches, I wouldn’t give up my ‘hags’ (read: friends) for anything in the world. They’re hilarious like M Cho, can cook like Ina, sing a mighty good version of Shoop (and Toxic), and are drugged out troubled young things. Only difference is Rachel Zoe doesn’t style any of my ladies. They still look better… Although I would like to see them in a pair of those new Balenciaga sunglasses… Time for a shopping trip!