Radcliffe tries to change the world

Today I filed for bankruptcy. I never would have thought that I would be in the same boat as the Lehman Brothers, Circuit City, Nortel and GM. Unfortunately, the teller at the bank told me that I was ineligible as I had a savings account containing $600. How could I not be eligible? All my business ventures have not been performing like they used to. People don’t seem to want a small, styrofoam cup full of ice-cold citrusy lemonade. People also don’t seem to need any stylish and warm knitted coin bags. And why the hell don’t people desire watercolours specializing in mixed breed dogs? But since my hopes were rejected along with my application for bankruptcy, I decided I should shift my focus to a greater, more global cause.

The first cause that I took head on was the fight against capitalism. I started by drinking only fair trade coffee and anticipated the wrath of Mister Tim Hortons. Well, he didn’t seem to care so I stepped it up a notch. I started hand crafting my own bras in order to give many Haitian female workers a break. But then I developed a terrible rash and had to stop. I realized then that capitalism is probably not going anywhere and that I should direct my attention to a problem that plagues my own neighbourhood: crime.

I knew from the horror stories that Toronto’s club scene was dangerous, so my first order of business was to protect the safety of all those delicate, underage girls whose parents think they’re in the library on a Saturday night. I paroled the most risky clubs, like Tonic and Lot 332, only to discover that these girls are really scary. After one of them tried to strangle me in the bathroom, I thought that maybe they aren’t the ones who need protection. I was faced with the reality that fighting crime is best left to the professionals, like The Toronto Police Department and Batman.

I will admit that although I was feeling slightly discouraged, I did not give up. Instead I moved on to providing a group in need with a much needed gift. And by that I mean homeless people and art. After Stephen Harper made significant cuts to art programs in Ontario, I knew that my calling was to supply colourful chalk to as many hobos as I could find so that they would decorate the sidewalks of Toronto with their beauty. Unfortunately, most of them told me to fuck off.

I felt hopeless and disappointed for the days afterward. What was the world coming to? I had attempted to fix major, universal issues only to find that I was a failure. I had given up so many things that I loved because of the crisis – like cruising for chicks in my ride and freelance substitute teaching. In such hard times, one must choose their battles. It has come to my recent attention that voters in the United States hate gay people. They are probably just jealous of our great hair and amazingly passionate lovemaking skills, but their methods of retaliation are a bit extreme. More than half the population of California (where The L Word is set!) voted to ban the legalization of gay marriage. I’m not sure how that is possible considering I always thought that California – San Francisco in particular – was entirely composed of gay peeps. Like Oprah and Jodie Foster. Or Gene Kelly and Zac Efron. But even I know that not all gay people care. This is exemplified best in a fallen hero of mine, Mary Cheney. Yes, she is the daughter of Republican Vice President Dick Cheney but she is also extremely gay. I was once enamored by her business suit and her Zack Morris hair, but then she publicly denounced gay rights by saying she loved Bush even if he didn’t support her. Mary Cheney! How dare you!

I guess what I am saying is that there is nothing you can do. You might try to help the homeless or stop gang violence but you will just end up crying in a bathroom stall. Just because the world is crumbling beneath your feet doesn’t mean you can’t keep dancing. I’ve spent long, hard hours contemplating the meaning of life and how one can truly make a difference. And I came up with a shining beacon of a solution: High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Such good hair! Crazy sets! The Tiz in a leotard! Most intense dramatic junkyard dance sequence ever! Just because your car is being repossessed doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy life to the fullest.