I just got an invitation to a Facebook group. Exciting, right? They’re pretty few and far between, I know. Anyhow, I just got an invitation to this group and decided to check ‘er out. As it happens, the group was for gay singles in Toronto. The group was 900 strong. Who fucking knew? So I spent my Friday night (my popularity just keeps skyrocketing) perusing its many pages. And I have determined that the internet is the worst place to meet someone, ever. I know I already wrote about the subject, but with the birth of the new gay eHarmony (will it really be everlasting love, eHarmony?), and me having nothing better to do on my weekends but cruise men on the internet, I thought I’d revisit the topic. I looked through a hundred plus profiles, and here is why I didn’t like a single guy on there.

Fashion… fashion, fashion, fashion. White belts are hideous. It don’t spiff ’em up by pairing them with pointy white dress shoes and a dress shirt undone three buttons. Ditto for the skinny jeans, deep v-necks and indoor scarves. And is there any way I can pay you money to come over with a buzzer and shave that ridiculous straightened mess off your head? I have lots, She Does The City has been a very lucrative career choice! On the other side of the pack… socks, gym shoes, and cargo shorts is a look best left to twelve year olds. Basically, gays seem to come in two varieties: overly fussy and big ol’ slobs. Is there a gay in this city who isn’t a hipster, ‘roid monkey, queen, or other caricature of gaydom? Please? Someone in the middle?

People who have convictions. Now, granted, this is me being a hugely cynical asshole. Not particularly caring about anything myself, I find myself hating on others who use FB as some sort of moral sounding board about religion or how they love to run. The phrase “not religious but spiritual” makes me want to claw someone’s eyes out. Am I the only one who thinks that is an incredibly stupid thing to say? Yes, yes, organized religion is a turrrible thing. We get it. Same with homos who have interests listed as: “running, the gym!!!!, working out, spinning”… Good god, are those truly your only interests? Speaking of “convictions”, I’m pretty sure your joining the One Million Strong For Obama group was what put him over the edge. Good work!

Now people have moved from having only chest photos to just flagrantly having pictures of porn stars or models as their profile. What the shit? If you’re that fuck ugly, get on Craigslist. Everyone can get laid on Craigslist. And while I am on the subject, how many shirtless photos do you need? Now they aren’t even on the dock in Muskoka, these dudes are making that fucking awful kissy mouth face in the bathroom, shirt off, into the mirror. Sweet Jesus! It’s Facebook, not Manhunt! I actually saw a picture of some dude’s dick. Just out there, as his profile picture. I suppose whatever gets you dates, pal…

Clearly, bitching about others is a much more fun (and productive) way to spend my time than, you know, working on getting a boyfriend or something… The thing I complain aboot all the time. I’m just as much of an asshole, I get it. But still, dating on the interweb sucks balls (and doesn’t lead to it later!). Let’s stick with the tried and true method of meeting peeps: having too much to drink and going home with some troll. Isn’t that the old fashioned way?