NOTE:  Anonymous guest writer filling in while Radcliffe U Hall does Europe 

Sexually frustrated as an immensely horny eighteen year old, it became quite obvious that the only solution to my hunger for orgasm was to wake up a friend from deep sleep by rolling on top of her leg and humping it until I came. While amidst the frenzied mid-night romp, we also locked lips and made some crude attempts at touching each others breasts.  

I knew she had wanted it, being similarly bent up and raging with hormones – but once the act had been done there was no turning back. 

Initially, we both stared at each other in shock. This was followed by me running to the bathroom and puking up my ‘lesbianism’. I’m sure that was really great for her self esteem.  

We vowed that we’d never make out again, and I specifically apologized for the whole dog like leg humping but this was just the beginning of a very long and convoluted affair that was drowning with guilt, confusion, passion and anger. 

Carnal like fingering at lunch hour, eating each other out while studying for a finite test, sharing baths, going for family vacations in Barbados, shoving inanimate objects up each other, 69ing, ass penetration and finally some really demented marriage proposal on the VIA train; yep, it was full force all right.  

At slumber parties after watching SCREAM, the other girls fell asleep bellies full of ice cream and beer; meanwhile we were in their mothers pantry playing ‘bad girl, you didn’t do your homework.’ It was fun to hold a secret from society and quietly misbehave; but the fun was engulfed with, what seemed like a never-ending insanely painful chaos.  

What had we done?  

That period of my life was drenched in drama. You think you’ve fought with a boyfriend before? It doesn’t even compare to the feelings of being in a closeted relationship, having your friends look at you with suspicion, your parents questioning why you are sharing a bed over and over again and all this with an uncertainty of whether you are in fact gay or just some turbo charged randy teen.  

Screaming matches were intertwined with forceful grabbing, pinching, shoving, pushing and absolute bent up fury. So what were these fights all about? SECRECY AND COCK.  

Since we didn’t really have a solidified relationship and both declared we weren’t gay to each other, one afternoon would be spent with her and then on to him (whoever he was at the time), then back to her, and then over to his house. Sucking, licking, fucking, dicking; it was simultaneously deliciously exciting while also being a genital / love triangle NIGHTMARE. I went from being some kind of torch bearer for all closeted lesbians to an untamed cock wolf. It seemed like just as I had began to feel sexually confident with her (about six months in) I halted the pussy eating and traded in Jane for Dick. 

I ditched my army boots for heels, started to wear lipstick, and flirted with men incessantly. This is not to say that a woman can’t be an ultra feminine lesbian, absolutely not, but it was my way of transcending sexual borders; an exterior kind of masquerade that raised a lot of eyebrows.  

It’s been about eight years since I’ve been with a woman. I can still sit at a bar, and with titillating delight, sip a drink while undressing the girl before me. Maybe later in life I’ll fall for another woman. She will be incredibly smart, have a strip of grey hair – some artsy dark rimmed glasses and love her dog Farley. She will always fill my glass with wine and pour me hot baths back overflowing with bubbles while Patsy Cline sings in the background on a scratchy beat up phonograph. As I sud myself in the bath, she will sit across from me asking advice for her new novel and complain about her editor. We will argue for a few minutes about her book and then fall onto the bed where she will spread my legs, lick my wet cunt and I’ll watch her nipples erect as they grace my wet legs. It will be sophisticated, erotic and calm.  

Am I straight? Am I Bi? Was I a lesbian? Not sure and don’t really care. I am who I am.  

Sexuality is very complicated and I’m all for experimenting, as it will likely make you a more open minded person, give you great stories and hopefully make you more comfortable with your body. BUT some words of caution – as hard as it may be to foresee consequences, make sure to tread carefully on new ground. The pain and turmoil that derives from lust driven moves can evoke enormous drama in one’s life, and if you are seeking a life less complicated than ensure your experimentation is well thought out.  

To this day I’m uncertain whether the chaos was worth it. I felt evil for a long time, now I chalk it up to being young, horny and naïve.  

No real advice here, just an honest account of how it all shook down that will hopefully lend some insight to those of you considering embarking on a sexual adventure; or perhaps not at all. 

Harumph.