By Radcliffe U. Hall
I am addressing this issue as I feel it can no longer go on undiscovered. Lesbians have sex! They make love! They stimulate each other’s genitals! And yet even with all of these magical events transpiring, people still seem to be unsure of what happens. And not just men, women are also unclear. I can’t count how many times I’ve been walking my cat and the local coffee shop girl will come up to me and say, “Yo Radcliffe! What do two girls do under the sheets?” Usually I just roll my eyes promise to accidentally trip her later on in the week. But no longer will I remain silent! After my helpful step by step guide, this eternal question will be answered.

Before we get started, it must be noted that lesbian sex is not so much an art as it is a science; ie. place a ½ cup of bromine into 3 gallons of hot water and you have a hot tub. The female body is just that. And by that I mean a scientific equation. If you apply a calculated amount of pressure over an extended period of time you will have successful results. Keep in mind this is an analogy and everyone likes different types of pressures, so don’t go poking and prodding a body for hours. That would be bad.

The first major thing is that you need to warm your female specimen up. A cold specimen will not respond! Think of your hands/tongue/flower stem as your Bunsen burner. Once the burner has adequately heated the specimen, it is ready for the next step. So let’s go over a couple of heating options:

TRIBADISM – this fascinating form of foreplay is what most men misunderstand to be lesbian sex because it is in porn. It can be best described as two specimens scissoring each other by wrapping their respective legs around each other’s pelvises and adjoining vaginas. It also includes gyrating.

BODY PAINTING – this is a sensual way of expressing your love and art by painting your specimen in chocolate, whipped cream or peanut butter and then using your tongue as a brush.

A/V EQUIPMENT – this exciting option involves any form of recording of or with your specimen, be it watching porn to taking nude Polaroids. Some specimens might also enjoy white balancing.

So now that we’ve tribadized and painted and recorded our specimen, we are free to go to town! And here is where the confusion will end. Lesbian sex is a gigantic spectrum ranging from tongues and fingers to full on toys. If it goes in and comes out and makes you cum that’s sex.

The integral part is that you know what your specimen wants and you keep that rhythm until you have results. So that means no haphazard hammering, falling asleep or complaining of arm pain. You need to adapt to the specimen. Some might ask, how do I know what the specimen wants? Communication is key to the lesbian. This doesn’t mean a questionnaire but rather utilizing your feminine intuition to feel it out. You will know. And most importantly, don’t be scared to ask the specimen if chemical A is reacting well to chemical B. Realize you are not limited to your own hands – or feet (footing is popular and simply means using your foot to pleasure the interior of the vagina). Lesbians have the whole world as their tool box. If it exists you can use it: work gloves, gas mask, electric toothbrush, shower spout, gardening hose, cucumber, double sided dildo, massaging stick, gorilla costume, tequila bottle, snowglobe! All of these are options. You are a lesbian. Be creative! Your specimen will fully appreciate your MacGuyver adaptability.

But whoa! You do need to remember that thing about different tastes – so do double check that your specimen is okay with your employment of a wooden spoon. The essence of lesbian sex – what make it’s so special – is that it is selfless. You don’t have a penis nor are you compensating for one. Your desire is to please somebody else first and in return they will learn how to please you.

So that’s all there really is to know. You might not get it on the first try but if you keep experimenting you will achieve pleasing results. As for me, I am currently sleeping with Ashley Tisdale. The Tiz loves snowglobing.