by Radcliffe U. Hall

I just got back from a vacation. Just a week before, I had become frightened of the person I was becoming and felt that I needed to escape the bubble that was my life. Things that were normally essential had started to look futile and unimportant. My morning walks with my cat, organized through a collective desire to lose weight and catch up, had become monotonous and tedious. My weekly bird watching group, a chance to witness the miracles of nature, had become a massive bore. Even the hot girl at the used cookbook store, who wears head scarves and a sexy apron, seemed depressing. So I booked a ticket to the farthest edge of the world in the hopes that I would meet new people and experience a worldly surge of hope.

When my plane landed in Cancun, Mexico I had already begun to develop a tan as well as a renewed sense of excitement. In the week that I spent at my luxurious two star resort/hostel I had experienced more things than one could in a lifetime, including: excessive eating of cabbage and beans, questionably safe zip-lining, the sight of 8,000,000 topless old women, the dangerous power of the undertow, the Spanish word for person who makes love to your mother, the impressive amount of sand one can find in their underwear, and the results of too much tequila. But mostly, I came closer to uncovering the mysteries of the opposite sex. They are called men. As a relative stranger to that creature, I had not been prepared for the eye-opening amount of exposure I would get on my trip, both literally and metaphorically. Here are my top five most revealing facts about the male specimen:

1. THEY ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO TAKE OFF YOUR UNDERPANTS

To be fair, this situation involved me and a male dolphin named Juno – like the pregnant Ellen Page in that science fiction movie. Juno and I had spent the morning hugging, waving and dancing platonically in the water. I could tell he was slightly interested in something more when he would repeatedly splash me with water. He also insisted on showing off his tricks, mainly by diving dangerously close to my face. But it wasn’t until the “foot push” trick that Juno revealed his true intentions. Allegedly, this “foot push” trick is a routine dolphin showcase involving your feet being pushed above the water by a two dolphin noses. However, my “foot push” resulted in the removal of my swimsuit bottoms. It was definitely no accident. Despite my obvious mortification after the event, Juno pretended nothing had happened.

2. THEY ARE CONSTANTLY IN COMPETITION WITH OTHER MEN

There were many activities at my impeccable resort/hostel, such as bingo, water aerobics, beach volleyball and jet-skiing. These fun games were intended to spark camaraderie and a sense of sportsmanship among the vacationers. However, in the hands of many shirtless men these “games” became ultimate fighting championships. At one particularly laid back round of bingo, two large men simultaneously started thumping their markers on the table and hysterically yelling “Bingo!” before eventually getting into a fist fight. But the competitive spirit of most of the men were not limited to actual games, but also to things such as eating, dancing, drinking in the pool bar, and walking on the beach.

3. THEY HAVE IRON STOMACHS

Through some freakish misstep in nature, men are able and willing to consume anything put in front of them. Although the accommodations at my wonderful resort/hostel were nice, the native food for Mexico was too much for my entire digestive system. The copious amounts of food served consisted of but was not limited to: corn tortillas smothered in refried beans, giant mounds of 40% fat sour cream, strange pork/chicken mixtures, and boiled tomatoes. Even one of the above ingredients would kill any normal person or child, but the men at the buffet could not gorge themselves enough. In addition to the chimichangas, burritos, enchiladas and fajitas, most of the men also enjoyed the nachos, deep fried fish cakes, upside down pineapple cake, jello, coleslaw, ambrosia salad, and dinner rolls. All of which was consumed in one sitting with multiple margaritas. While I spent most of my nights on the toilet, the majority of the men were just starting the first round of who can eat the most disgusting concoction of guacamole, ketchup and hot sauce on top of two steaks before you pass out.

4. IF YOU ARE NICE TO THEM, THEY THINK YOU WANT THEM SEXUALLY

In accordance with my plan to expand my social network I decided that I would make friends with whoever crossed my path in Mexico. Unfortunately this seemingly innocent intention resulted in a vast world of miscommunication. Although I enjoyed the minutes I spent with Pedro the cook, Jeff the American, and Chauncey the British astronomer, I did not anticipate my friendly gestures to result in three separate dates. My compliments to Pedro on his corn chips and my attempts to speak his native tongue were misconstrued into my burning desire for intercourse. The same occurred with Jeff, an amiable football enthusiast, when I asked if he wanted to throw around the pigskin on the beach. And when I chastely accepted Chauncey’s offer for a course in the night’s constellations, I had apparently taken his hand in marriage. My desire to bond man-to-man was impossible due to my inverted anatomy. Which is a shame because I do enjoy football.

5. THEY DON’T BELIEVE IN LESBIANS

To many heterosexual men, lesbians are like unicorns – fascinating, mystical, sexy and magical but ultimately non-existent. I met a diverse group of men on my vacation, from short to tall, black to white, and rich to poor. But despite their numerous differences they all responded identically when I told them that my love was only reserved for ladies. After attempting to explain that no, I would not be sleeping in their bed that night, they continued to pursue my body. I received questions like, “If you haven’t slept with a guy then how could you know?” and “So lesbian means that you like threesomes, right?” But despite my multiple declarations of extreme gayness, most of the men I met still insisted that I just hadn’t met the right guy. Gross.