It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, because, in all honesty, I’m bereft of ideas. Also, being that it’s summertime, the living has been easy. That means I’ve been going hard and heavy on the mojitos and caesars and not so much on the ol’ stenopad. Anyway, in all its wisdom, Facebook has again given me an idea. One Ms. Jennifer McNeely wrote that she’s doing an article on older women with younger men. Crocodile Rock anyone? That got me thinking about the gays (most things do). Now, I’m no spring chicken, and I’m certainly curmudgeonly enough to be an old man, but if you were to cut me open and count my rings, you would find I could qualify as “young”. As such, I have some insight into the older/younger man thing. Those who know me will know that I love older guys, all the better if they’re slighty balding and everyone else finds them unattractive. For those of you a little less self-destructive, I’ve compiled a handy-dandy list of some of the pros and cons of the older man. And awayyyyy we go!

PRO: Older dudes have more money than you.

Go out for a dinner date with an older guy and you’re probably in for a free dinner. Being an old fashioned girl myself, I love being “treated” to a nice dinner every now and again, so this is a definite plus for the older guys. Now I ain’t saying I’m a gold digger, cause I definitely mess with broke, broke, broke men. But, fuck, who doesn’t like someone saying “I’ll get this” everyone now and again? And so what if “this” happens to be a Patek Phillipe watch?

CON: Older dudes have more money than you.
The occasional dinner is one thing, but when you start feeling more hooker than Pretty Woman, you know you’re in trouble. As much as I joke about being a kept man, having someone buy everything for you, and being completely dependent financially on ’em is not good. That’s what your parents are for. And it’s probably a big turn off for someone else when they’re constantly paying for your shit. I think TLC put it best when they said “I don’t want no scrubs”. Also, the more money the older guy has, the more he thinks he can act like a complete douche. Guy, just because you’re a lawyer doesn’t mean I’m impressed automatically. As Shania said, “okay, so you’ve got a car. That don’t impress me much”. (Sidenote, what will impress that bitch?)

PRO: Older guys are better in the sack.

The best boning (I’m very sophisticated) I ever had was with a guy who was in his early 40s. Actually, it’s happened a few times. Older guys are into more stuff than the ones in their twenties, who, from my experience, are incredibly vanilla. Young guys also seem to think many sex acts are gross. Damn our chaste upbringing! Also, I feel like the older ones are more into you than the youngins ever are. As such, they are all about your pleasure (which is great, because, coincidentally, so am I). You know what else? Older guys tend not to get as sloppy drunk as we babies do, and the sex tends to be a bit more fulfilling than some drunken swordfighting followed by a night of barfing and the spins.

CON: Older guys are old.

Despite all their working out (and holy fuck, do gays ever work out), the older mens cannot hide certain signs of aging. Those same hot sexcapades I had with the 40 year olds also involved views of their naked bodies (which is weird, because I usually just like to do it between a whole in a sheet, fully clothed). Pecs can stay firm, biceps ripped, thighs rippling, but for some reason, asses seem to always sag. Remember that episode of Sex And The City when Samantha is boning that old guy (why am I asking if chicks remember an episode of SATC?) and everything is going well until she sees his saggy, wrinkly butt? Yeah. Did you know that ear hair and back hair grow more with age? Yeah. Yeah…

PRO: Older gents know what they want.
Holy fuck, could people our age play anymore games? Try flirting at a gay bar with someone your own age. The conversation is so pained and awkward unless (see above) you’re both insanely drunk. Neither one of you will make the first move, unless, (see above) one of you is really drunk. Then, once one of you finally says something like, “you’re cute”, there’s about twenty minutes of awkward hemming and hawing over every minute detail. Finally, if you’re lucky, you go home to have (again, see above) sloppy drunken sex. Thanks, but no thanks. Older guys often make the first move on you (sweet, I’m lazy), and are very assertive about their wanting to sex you up. No joke, I’ve had at least three older gentlemen just take my hand and put it on their junk in the middle of the dancefloor. Now, that’s a bit too fast for me, but hell, it’s better than the slow excrutiating alternative, I’ll tell ya.

Notice that I left three pros and only two cons. There’s probably plenty more on either side, depending on how you like your mens. Me, I likes ’em like wine. Aged, cultured and slightly oaky (it’s a special cologne you can buy). I only hope that once I get old, change my ways and want young nubile boys, someone will have the same opinion.