by Radcliffe U. Hall
I am a woman of many talents and belong to many trades. Besides writing this cultural column I am also a superb mixologist, a DJ, and a chartered accountant. But being a freelance film student is the hardest, and not just because you’re expected to, at any given time: dive into frigid water for a slo-mo shot of seaweed; stand out in the weather of an Arctic tundra for ten hours; load an antique camera in complete darkness; and make artistic magic out of your ass, all while wearing trendy scarves. The reason it is the most worrisome, is that even though you are making artistic magic out of your ass, you are being paid five donuts every two weeks. And maybe, if you’re lucky, lasagna.

Recently, as a result of my minor writing fame, I was approached for a different kind of filmmaking; one that would utilize my ample knowledge and provide a much needed increase in my bank account (currently standing at $12.01). This type of art has been around for centuries but has failed to gather any kind of respect. But I plan to change all of that. With the help of Radcliffe U. Leopardprint, porn will finally get its due!  

My first assignment in changing the world of porn was to write scripts for two different films. I would use my literary expertise to make porn about lesbians for lesbians. The first hurdle was the fact that all “lesbian porn” is made by men with chicks that are so plastic and orange, no actual lesbian would ever get turned on. These male porn artists seem to believe that it is hot when two women with talons for nails rear end eachother with a double sided dildo, often under a waterfall. For my porn debut, I would make sure that porn was no longer dumped upon.

Firstly, I wanted to create an environment that would arouse lesbians. I refused to consider cheesy 70s electro. Instead I would set the mood with some acoustic guitar and mellow piano. When things would start to get rough, I would skillfully deploy some Peaches. I would also make sure that the lighting would not resemble a hospital or lunatic asylum. My porn would have high production value and sensual depths of field. I would opt for a real location, like a haunted mansion or bunny ranch. I would never use a set. Instead, I would include a room full of candles and incense, with a grand piano somewhere in the distance. I would also, maybe, have long flowing white curtains. Like a Celine Dion video. The sexy ones. Instead of pool scenes, with the women floating like otters with silicone breasts or splashing each other like retards, what lesbians wouldn’t prefer a romp immediately after a vigorous day of white water rafting?

Secondly, for any gay woman to enjoy my porn, I would include a diverse collection of porn stars. They would not all be blonde and have butterfly tattoos on their lower backs. But they wouldn’t all be butch bikers or hippies either.  Ideally, there would be one example of every type of lesbian. For instance, Jodie Foster circa Silence of the Lambs would enjoy a mud wrestle with Shane from The L Word. Hilary Duff would get her back massaged by both Dani from Tila Tequila and Queen Latifah. Pretty, femme girls would fuck each other, for sure, but the JD Samsons would also get their freak on.

Thirdly, I would be forced to re-write every single porn scenario in history; no lesbian in their right mind would be aroused by an archeologist and her assistants or a young gymnast and her coach. I would have to be creative and alluring. Perhaps, any of these would be wonderful alternatives:

    A group of friends attend a summer folk concert and the combination of the sweltering heat and the irresistible guitar plucking would send them into sexual hysteria. They would strip naked and rub each other with mud.

    Two strangers meet for a blind date in an abandoned art gallery lit only with candles. They discover a wine cellar in the basement and experiment with all of the expensive reds. In more ways than one. In between experiments they discuss fine art and the merits of Bordeaux.

    Two couples go on a high-energy trip to the highest mountain in the world. They compete in a grueling weeklong challenge, involving rock climbing, rappelling, cycling and spelunking. In between these exhausting events, they would calm each other within the sexy confines of their canvas tents and the occasional tree hollow.

    An innocent waif is framed for the triple murder of her family and is sent to a maximum-security prison. Unable to defend herself she has to perform countless sex acts on all of the butchest inmates. But after becoming fed up with her status as a pussy she fights back and creates her own sex gang.

And finally, I would have to drastically alter what most porn considers to be lesbian sex. There will be excessive finger pumping, hard-core strap-on action, and the use of body massage oils. There will not be tribidism aka. scissoring, prolonged nipple tonguing or any cocks coming in to save the day. The women’s nails would all be an appropriately regulated length and most of the tits would be without interior plastic. The kissing would start soft and end heavy versus resemble two dogs panting and licking each other’s faces. The women would appear to enjoy having sex with one another instead of appearing like they just met on the bus. I am excited for the possibilities of my new career path. I know that one lesbian cannot change the face of porn, but I can try to create a visual event for all who enjoy women-on-women. Especially the ones in prison.