Being incredibly maladjusted socially (and physically), I spend a lot of time indoors watching television. Did you know that on the myriad of channels out there, there’s one called TMN? And this TMN, late at night, shows a little something called pornography. Um, that shit’s gross! And not just because lady parts scare me (but they truly do) either. Those fake tittied, coke-nailed (how on earth does one give a deese HJ with those things anyway?), platinum blond hoe-bags are total hams! Sure, we all love a good cock (or two) in the face, butt, wherever, but come on! Is it ever a turn-on to hear some girl just say, “oh yes” over and over in a high pitched screamy noise? Is that what straight sex is like? I know that every dude, ever, in the history of the world, digs porn, but I got to wondering… If this is what’s out there for ladies, can women enjoy porno? I sought out some better, classier, quality sources for you girls, and this is what I found.

Let’s start with the requisite NSFW warnings. Nothing is wildly inappropriate, but if you can be easily startled from behind (like some of these porn ladies, hey-o!) at work, I would suggest holding off on link examination.

Pink Prison
There’s Pink Prison, a movie by Zentropa studios. Zentropa is Lars Von Trier’s production company. Lars is the dude who directed one of TIFF’s buzziest films this year, Antichrist. These movies are supposed to be by the ladies, for the ladies. Here’s how the plot goes down: Mila, a sexy journalist with a mysterious past, breaks into a men’s penitentiary, with sexy results. She’s trying to get an interview with an equally mysterious warden and along the way is helped (and fucked) by several of the guards, inmates, and in particular, the prison chef. Pink Prison is the follow up to Constance, which you may want to rent first in order to follow the highly cerebral plot. But anyway, this movie is supposed to be better for the ladies because it’s not gonzo style, up close and personal, but wider shots that apparently, you gals like better. I know personally, the further away a vag from the camera, the better!

Slash Fiction
I won’t bother posting it all, but basically, slash fiction is this strange segment of literotica wherein male characters (typically sci-fi) bone each other. Slash fiction is interesting in that it is also a “by women, for women” thing. Apparently, it started because female trekkies looking to get their rocks off wrote novel after novel about Spock/Kirk (see that slash?) and thus a genre was born. For pairings, think Spike and Angel, Spock and Kirk, any Twilight characters, any Harry Potter, any Lord of the Rings. Lady gay nerd porn. That shit straddles a lot of genres.

The Beautiful Agony
They call orgasms le petit mort in French, which sounds like it could have something to do with this. I’m no scientician. Anyhow, TBA is a site you may have heard of. Rather than show the dirty bits, TBA leaves it to your imagination, but shows a model’s face up close and personal at the time of their small death. It’s strangely sexy and again, I’m down on this because you’re not subjected to a barrage of poonaner. Hmm. This whole column is really giving me good exercise in finding euphemisms for cooch.

Clothed Female Naked Male (NSFW)
I’ve seen this site on gay porn pages before, because I guess it appeals to gay men and (sometimes) ladies who want to see nekkid dudes but not boobies. Basically, these ladies, school mistresses and the like, get random dudes naked, while they stand there and make them jerk off, etc. If British accents cut through you like a knife (and they do to me… “luv-ery”) then this will not be the website for you. If, however, you have a strange London-town fetish (and so many of my gal-pals seem to), and like to see ladies pseudo-dominating men, CFNM is the place for you!

Well girls, there you have it. I hope you can find some porn options for you, because god knows, we men have plenty. Bonus, if you want to make your boyfriend happy (and in the end, isn’t that really what it’s all about?) you and he can watch porn together! Marital bliss, at last.