“Do you want to try peeing on me?”

My boyfriend and I are driving back from a weekend at home with my parents when he asks me the golden question, and although urinating on someone hasn’t ever been locked away in my secret fantasies vault, I approach the topic with the same philosophy I usually do when confronted with new sexual experiences: Why not?

“Sure I could pee on you, honey,” I reply. “Do you want to pee on me?”
“Yeah, I’d like to see what it’s like.”

So we’re going to pee on each other, that much is settled, and after a little more conversation the additional details are worked out. We’ll do it in the shower as soon as we get home and faces/mouths/etc. are absolutely off-limits. Besides being a little antsy because I already have to go potty badly and Toronto is still half an hour off, I’m satisfied with the plan. When we turn into our driveway I’m excited salvation is near and apparently, so is my boyfriend.

“Guess what?” he asks me excitedly.
“I have an erection.”
“From thinking about the peeing thing?”
“That’s exciting.”
“It is, but it could be a problem. I don’t know if I can pee with an erection.”
“Well then I better go first. Maybe then you’ll lose your erection.”
“Or maybe it will get bigger.”
“Well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” I tell him wisely as I hop out of the car, grab my bags from the trunk and hightail it inside. As soon as the bathroom is in sight the urge to relieve my bladder gets all the more violent and I start whipping off clothes like they’re on fire.

“Wait – wait!” my boyfriend protests, running in behind me as I hop out of my pants, “You look sexy! Can you get undressed slower, so I can enjoy it?”
“Only if you want me to pee on the floor and not on your face!” I yell as I skittle into the bathroom and turn on the shower. “Now get in here STAT!”

He tears off his clothes without protest and leaps into the shower. “EYYYOW IT’S TOO HOT!”
I feel the temperature. “No it’s not.” I rebuke.
“It is! It’s ridiculously hot. THIS is why you’re always complaining about having chapped skin.”
“Really? But I moisturize after showers…”
“Yeah with that horrible lotion from, like, the dollar store.”
“Hey, that stuff is classy! It’s from Shoppers Drug Mart!”
“Fine, whatever, never mind, JUST GET IN HERE AND PISS ON ME!”

He lies down on the shower floor and I step in and position myself above him. I don’t even ask if he’s ready before I let er’ rip! I produce a steady stream of pee that continues for at least ten seconds (I really had to go), and also consists of no less then two farts that accidentally eek out. Oops.

“Sorry about the farts,” I tell my boyfriend. “They just kinda came out.”
“That’s okay.”
“So – did you like it?”
“Yeah, I kinda did. It was – it was – such a thick stream.” He tells me observantly.
“Umm, well thank you,” I reply, “I drink a lot of water.”

Now it’s his turn to do business on me so we carefully switch positions. Miraculously he’s able to squeeze the pee out, despite his slight erection (and we both give out a little whoop to celebrate). But truth be told, as soon as the warm stream hits my belly I know this isn’t for me. Trying to suck it up anyway (after all, I FARTED on him), I make an expression on my face that I hope looks like a seductive smile. But as usual he catches my fake and asks me what’s wrong.

“I don’t like it.” I say, standing up abruptly mid-stream. He’s now peeing on my leg.
“No? How come?”
“Just not my cup of tea. And it smells funny.” I add.
“Oh, well that’s okay. I guess if we want to do it again you could just pee on me from now on.”
“That sounds like a good plan.”
He’s finally done his business. “Want to have sex now?” He asks.

We try to have sex, but either we’re too big or our shower is too small (I prefer to blame the shower) so we can’t get into any good positions. We simply proceed to fight over the soap and shampoo while trying not to elbow one another in the face. Ah, amour.

Lesson learned: Golden showers can be nice, but they’re not for everyone. If you’re the least bit curious DO try this at home and report back. Special note: I recommend trying both the pee-ee and the pee-er position to identify which you like best.

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